


we should just kiss (like real people do)

by violeteden



Category: IT (2017), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), First Kiss, Getting Together, Lesbian Beverly Marsh, M/M, Minor Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Mutual Pining, The Quarry (IT), but he figures it out, confused richie all around, richie has a sexuality crisis, richie's also really bad at understanding his thoughts, slight mentions of homophobia and racism?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25356883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violeteden/pseuds/violeteden
Summary: And now, here he was, in the section of the library surrounded by the overly dusty, beaten up books with faded letters on the spines. The only thing he had to do was find the light blue book with the faded black letters and leave without being seen.His hand found the book before his eyes did, and he stared at the faded words on the spine before quickly taking his hand off of the book. He quietly opened his backpack and set it on the floor, because he wasn’t crazy enough to check out this book and have it be shown on his records.He then reached for the book again, and that’s when his hand was met with another. He jumped and looked to see where the hand had come from, and his wide eyes underneath his glasses met a pair of soft brown ones.or,after meeting eddie due to wanting the same book at the library, richie doesn't realize how much this boy will mess up his world.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	we should just kiss (like real people do)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i spent so much time on this fic and i'm definitely happy that i'm finished with it!! i hope u enjoy reading it <3
> 
> title is from like real people do by hozier !

Richie Tozier is a normal seventeen year old boy. He has three close friends, Stan, Bill, and Mike. The four of them do pretty much everything together, and they’re all in all inseparable. Richie and his group of friends have their fair share of bullying from Henry Bowers and his group, but everyone did, so it was fairly normal. Richie also has amazing parents, they’re both accepting and loving, unlike some of his friends’ parents. Richie also had amazing grades, despite being loud and not paying a lot of attention in class. So, yeah, Richie Tozier is just a normal seventeen year old boy.

But Richie Tozier  _ wasn’t  _ a normal seventeen year old boy, and he is definitely not considered that while he lives in Derry, a conservative small town with bare streets and people who are about as interesting as watching paint dry. Everyone in Derry was colorless, drained of all things that make life fun. Living in Derry was not only dull, but everything in Derry felt... off.

Richie realized that very early on in his life, and it pains him that he can’t get out of it. No one else really seemed to understand the odd feeling that Derry gave to him, that is until he met Stan, Mike, and Bill.

The four of them bonded over their shared feelings about Derry. It seemed like they were the only ones who saw Derry for what it really was, a suffocating shithole. 

Derry was more than just a dull, small town. It was off in a way that even Richie nor his friends could truly describe. It was oddly quiet and the streets were always empty, most people who drive through here mistake it for abandoned until they spot people working or children running around. 

Richie wishes he could be like the people he sees breezing through Derry like it’s nothing but an afterthought. He wishes he could never have to feel the weight of the Derry air entering his lungs that makes him feel like he is breathing underwater. He wishes he never had to feel the empty feeling that Derry gives him every day of his fucking life, because Derry was incredibly suffocating. Derry takes all the life that you have and it sucks it up until you turn into a dull, boring, shell of a person, drained of all hope and happiness. Richie hopes he can leave Derry before he gets to that point.

Derry is full of ignorant people, after all, it was a  _ very  _ conservative town. Henry Bowers being the biggest and most ignorant piece of shit to ever walk the earth. Richie is sure he and his friends are not the only people who agree with this statement.

Henry bullies everyone, usually making cruel jokes about appearance, or what someone was wearing. With his friends, it was a little worse. Stan would get bullied for being Jewish, Bill would get made fun of for his stutter—before it went away back in middle school, of course—, and Mike, he got the worst of it. Mike would constantly get called slurs and other terrible things by Bowers and his stupid group of friends. After a while, Mike started doing homeschool.

Currently, Richie was browsing through the books at the library that Mike has started working at. The library was empty apart from Mike, Stan, Bill, and, of course, himself. Richie wasn’t really one for books, but Stan and Bill loved them, so he decided to come with them. He has nothing else to do anyways, so there wasn’t any harm in him going.

Since it was still working hours for Mike, Richie decided to just walk around and browse through books that he knew he would never read. The library was old and the shelves weren’t labelled, so he was never really sure what genres he was looking at.

Richie’s hand glides over the many different books on many different shelves. Some books were dustier than others, which left his fingertips grey from the dust. He wipes his hand off on his pants dismissively before going to the next shelf.

This particular shelf gave Richie a weird feeling. He really didn’t know why, so he just brushed it off and let his hand glide over the few books that were on the shelves. These books were a lot more dusty than the other ones, so Richie decided to take a closer look at them.

His eyes scanned over the shelf of dusty books, most of the words that were once on the spines of the books have been washed away, so he couldn’t tell what they consisted of. That is, until his eyes scan over a light blue book on the shelf, with faded black letters on the spine that reads  _ “LGBTQ+ TERMS AND ADVICE TO HELP QUESTIONING TEENS”  _ and his eyes widen. He quickly realizes that he shouldn’t be here, and he needs to get away as fast as possible. He whips his head around to see if anyone is looking at him, and he speed-walks over to Stan and Bill. 

\------------------------------

It had been a week since Richie saw that book on the shelf at the library. The title stays engraved in his mind. Some part of him thinks that this book could help him solve all of his problems, and he didn’t know why. It’s not like a few words on a bunch of pages could really help him with this one problem that he’s been dealing with for what feels like his entire life. 

And that’s why Richie Tozier wasn’t just a normal seventeen year old boy. 

When Richie entered the sixth grade, he’d hear boys make fun of each other’s crushes, or he’d hear the giggles and code names from girls. He’d see the way the girls would look at certain guys, or he’d see boys gawking at small girls in flowy sundesses. 

Richie noticed that all the boys were starting to like girls now, even Stan and Bill. Stan or Bill would talk about some girl in one of their classes, and Richie didn’t really pay much attention to those conversations. He always had a loud mouth, but the topic of crushes and girls made Richie’s trashmouth completely fall completely silent.

After noticing more and more people around him getting their first crushes, it dawned on him that he hadn’t felt anything about any girl he’s seen. He felt like he  _ should  _ be feeling that, because everyone else was, even his best friends, so why wasn’t he?

Richie tried to scan his classes for any girl he could find an attraction to, but he always left empty-handed. It definitely didn’t help when boys in class would ask Richie what girls he liked, because his brain always went blank. It also didn’t help when instead of answering, he would let a dumb joke about their moms slip out of his mouth. It did work, since immature sixth grade boys are suckers for a mom joke, and it would usually keep them from asking him about it again, so it was a win-win situation.

It still concerned him after he kept trying and failing to find even a small amount of attraction to a girl, but he learned to just ignore it. After all, he was still only young and immature. He definitely still had some growing to do. There was no need for him to get so worried, because he’ll soon have a crush on a girl just like everyone else.

Though, it started to really concern Richie when he entered the eighth grade and he still hadn’t found a single girl to crush on. Stan and Bill had already had more than a few crushes on girls, and he hadn’t even gotten his first one. 

Then, in ninth grade, Bill came out as bisexual. 

Unlike the talks Stan and Bill had about their crushes on girls, Richie listened in, hearing what Bill had to say about himself and his identity. The conversation ended with hugs and some ‘congrats!’ coming from Stan, Mike, and himself. 

That’s when Richie grew more concerned than before. The word ‘bisexual’ repeating over and over in his head like one of his broken records. He didn’t know why that word stuck to him, but it did, and he couldn’t stop it. 

And, a month later, Mike came out, too.

Mike wasn’t bisexual like Bill, though. He was just straight-up gay. Richie also listened in to Mike’s story about how he figured out his identity. The conversation ended exactly like Bill’s.

The four of them went to The Aladdin to watch the new Iron-Man movie a few weeks after Mike came out. Richie heard Mike and Bill’s soft whispers about how hot they thought Iron-Man was and it dawned on him that, yeah, he also did think Iron-Man was hot. Richie thought fucking  _ Iron-Man  _ was hot, and he never said or thought that about any girl. He quickly shook his head, shaking out the thoughts that were intruding his brain.

Richie couldn’t sleep after that. Why did he think some guy in an superhero action movie was hot but he didn’t think some popular girl with wavy hair and flowy sundresses was even remotely cute? The word  _ gay  _ stuck in his head for a long time, replaying again and again, getting louder with each passing moment. The word getting under his skin and pushing past his facade that he would put on, until it was too much a part of him to even try to get rid of. 

Richie just decided he should try to ignore it, since dwelling on it wasn’t going to do him any good. Maybe if he just forgot about it, it would just go away completely, and he’ll be able to move on with his life like it was nothing but insignificant.

Of course, this wasn’t going to come that easy for him. Richie had far too big of a mouth, and the thoughts in his head never quiet down, in fact, they just became louder the more he keeps his mouth shut. Not being able to say what was on his mind was extremely hard, because his mouth worked on impulse, and he usually would say things he might not fully mean. It was easy at the beginning, when it was only whisper-shouts of words he couldn’t quite get a part of himself to grasp on to, but it got harder as the words became louder, as they took up more space in his head, and as they drowned out any other thoughts that might’ve still been present in his mind.

It got worse for Richie when Bowers pushed him down and shouted a slur at him. He had never heard it before, but somehow he understood exactly what the meaning of it was. It scared him shitless, which was difficult for him to hide from Bowers, because this thing that was going on nonstop in his head was something only he knew and he definitely wanted it to stay that way.

The slur decided to join the club of other words that would scream at him daily. It seemed like the more words his brain decided to spew at him, the more his brain started to turn into only mush and scrambled letters from words that lingered in it for far too long.

Bowers decided to use that word a lot more often when he was going after Richie. It stayed with him, the word circling around in his head, never leaving. He knew it would be hard to repress his questioning state, but he somehow managed to keep his mouth shut with just a few shitty jokes that replaced the need for him to say anything that was on his mind. It always felt like one day the jokes wouldn’t satisfy his need to say everything on his mind, and he’d just let everything out, but he never did.

And now it’s Richie’s senior year, and he’s still hiding. He has no fucking idea how he managed to keep this shit bottled up inside him for so long, but he has, and he’s actually kind of proud of himself in some weird way.

Though, right now he is not. It’s Saturday afternoon and Richie can’t seem to get this stupid book out of his fucked up brain. Mike doesn’t work on Saturdays, so if he  were  to go to the library, nobody he would know would see him there. That, however, is not what he’s going to do, because he doesn’t need a stupid book to explain to him how his feelings work. 

Richie groaned and put his head in his hands. There was always a constant battle in his brain and he really didn’t know which side he was on at this point. Sure, he did want to know what the fuck was going on with him, but maybe he was better off not. 

The book still stayed engraved in his mind after what seemed to be hours of trying to distract himself from it. Richie decided to get up off of his bed because, honestly, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Fuck it.” Richie said aloud to himself before grabbing his backpack, going out the front door, hopping on his bike, and riding towards the library.

Once he reached the library, he didn’t immediately hop off of his bike, instead, he just started at the building. It somehow felt like the building was taunting him, beckoning him to open the doors and walk inside.

He sighed and hopped off of his bike, slowly walking up to the glass doors and pushing them open.

The woman at the checkout was fairly old. She was helping another customer check out their books, so she didn’t acknowledge Richie when he walked inside. 

Richie immediately rushed to the shelf where he had seen the book, but not before checking his surroundings. The only people who were in the library was the one at the checkout station, and a small, pale boy with brown hair who was staring at books on a shelf that was not far enough away from the shelf Richie was going to.

Since that boy was not very far from where Richie was heading to, he knew he had to stay quiet and unseen. He didn’t want anyone to see what he was doing, or even worse, catch him when he’s taking the book. That wouldn’t be something easy to explain when the title on the spine of the book is way too fucking obvious.

The title is what stuck in Richie’s head for almost a week. When he was at the Quarry with Stan, Mike, and Bill, or when he was trying to focus on the boring lecture his history teacher was giving, those were the words being screamed at him constantly in the back of his mind. He thought that if he ignored it enough, it would just go away, like his questioning state did before Bowers starting spewing slurs at Richie when he was bullying him. It wasn’t as easy as that though, because the book didn’t go away for a split second, it stayed, and screamed, and taunted him. 

And now, here he was, in the section of the library surrounded by the overly dusty, beaten up books with faded letters on the spines. The only thing he had to do was find the light blue book with the faded black letters and leave without being seen.

His hand found the book before his eyes did, and he stared at the faded words on the spine before quickly taking his hand off of the book. He quietly opened his backpack and set it on the floor, because he wasn’t crazy enough to check out  _ this  _ book and have it be shown on his records. 

He then reached for the book again, and that’s when his hand was met with another. He jumped and looked to see where the hand had come from, and his wide eyes underneath his glasses met a pair of soft brown ones.

This boy had pale skin and slightly curly, brown hair that appeared to have been straightened. He was wearing black running shorts, a plain grey sweater that looked slightly too big for his small frame, and black boots that could pass for Doc Martens at first glance, but weren’t. He had freckles that covered his nose and cheeks and his cheeks looked slightly rosy under them. The boy was small compared to Richie, he probably had about five inches over him.

The two of them stared at each other in shock. Maybe it was because they didn’t expect to be caught, or maybe it was because they didn’t expect for someone else to actually want the book other than themselves.

After a moment, Richie realized that he should probably say something. For once in his life though, his mouth couldn’t form any words. He was left speechless as this small, brown haired boy was staring up at him, wide-eyed and in shock. 

“Uh-“ The small boy said softly after a moment.

“I-“ Richie managed to stutter out, but he still had no idea what else to say.

He really had terrible fucking luck. The day that he decides to come grab this book that’s been engraved in his head for a week, and someone else is here for it, too. What kind of fucked up luck does he have for this to happen? 

Then, it dawned on him that, maybe, he could turn this around. He didn’t know what exactly this small boy wanted with this book, but he could tell it was probably a similar situation to his.

“How about…” Richie’s impulsive mouth had come back, but it wasn’t loud like it usually was, it was only about as soft as a whisper, if not softer.

“How about we, uh, share?”

The small boy’s eyes got even wider after hearing what he said. It scared him for a moment, maybe he had entirely fucked it up, and now this small boy knew exactly what he wanted to do with the book. 

Then, the boy spoke.

“I don’t know if I should be sharing a book with a complete stranger.”

The response caught Richie off-guard, considering the boy was staring at him wide-eyed, mouth agape just a moment earlier.

He reached out his hand for the smaller boy to shake.

“I’m Richie, Richie Tozier.”

The boy hesitantly took his hand to shake. 

“I’m, uh, Eddie. Eddie Kaspbrak.”

Richie smiled. “So, we’re not strangers anymore!”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but he had a hint of a smile on his face. 

“Yeah, well I only know your name. I still have no idea who you are.”

“So…” Richie started. “How about we hang out? You got anything to do right now?”

Eddie checked the watch on his wrist before answering Richie’s question.

“Uh, yeah, I guess so. I’ve got some time to kill.”

“Perfect!” Richie said while grabbing the book off of the shelf quickly, then stuffing it in his backpack.

“You’re not gonna… check it out?” Eddie asked while gesturing over to the checkout counter.

“I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with a book like this in Derry. I don’t think anyone’s gonna miss it, anyways.”

Eddie shrugged. 

“What? You were gonna check out this painfully obvious book?”

Eddie laughed softly. “I guess I didn’t really think that far ahead. Let’s go then, before we get caught.”

“Good idea, Eddie-o!”

“Ew, you can just call me Eddie.”

\------------------------------

“So, you and your friends actually swim in that water?” Eddie asked, while scrunching his nose in disgust.

Richie decided on taking Eddie to the Quarry. It was usually nice to just sit on the cliff while talking and watching the water. The water usually looked nice in the mid to late afternoon, so it was always calming and peaceful at this time.

“Yeah!” Richie replied. “It’s nice to swim in because nobody else comes here to swim in it. It’s like our dirty little secret.”

“Literally.” Eddie laughed. “That water is probably filled with a bunch of bacteria and dirt and shit.”

“Oh, Spaghetti, loosen up a little! A little dirt can’t hurt! My friends and I have been swimming in the forbidden Quarry water for  years  and we have yet to catch any serious diseases! Minus the days in mid-winter when I decide to swim when I definitely shouldn’t.”

“Okay, first of all, just because you didn’t get any diseases  _ yet _ , does not mean that that water is not ridden with all sorts of gross bacteria and shit! Second of all, you should not be swimming in mid-winter you absolute dumbass!”

It was weird how well the two of them got along. They have only been talking for about an hour at most, but Richie felt some sort of connection to Eddie despite that. The two of them made fun of each other and talked about things so easily, it was almost like they were friends just catching up like nothing. It was a little out of character for Richie, because he really wasn’t the type of person to feel such a close connection with someone he hasn’t even known for a day, but with Eddie, it was so different.

“Also, what’s up with the shitty nicknames?” Eddie asked him after a moment.

“It’s just what I do, Edmund!” Eddie’s nose scrunched in disgust like it did earlier in response to the new nickname. “You meet me, you get a wonderful nickname created and gifted to you by yours truly!”

“Maybe I regret meeting you, then.” Eddie smirked.

Richie faked offense to that, putting his hand over his heart and raising his eyebrows slightly.

“You wound me, Spaghetti! I’ll have you know my nicknames are the best! Even your mom likes them!”

Eddie looked at Richie for a split-second before shoving him with his shoulder lightly.

“Ew! Fuck off, dickhead!”

“Your mom likes it, though!”

“Shut up, dumbass!”

The two of them laughed for a while before it died down. They were sitting in silence, watching the water below them glistening in the afternoon sunlight. Richie loved the Quarry. It reminds him of the wonderful memories he shared with his best friends. Racing to the edge before jumping off the cliff and landing into the water, laughing while they played chicken or while they splashed each other. The Quarry didn’t really have a lot to offer, but Richie loved the memories that he made with his friends there, and he loved that it was  _ their  _ thing, nobody else’s. 

Sometimes, he would come here alone when his mind would race too much. Watching the water helped him to ease his mind, just a little bit. It was hard for him to deal with his feelings alone, but he’s always been too afraid of telling his friends about serious stuff. He hated that he couldn’t tell his own friends about his problems. He felt like he was lying to his friends, and he felt so… guilty for it.

It’s not that he thought his friends were going to leave him or treat him badly if he told them. He knows that if he told his friends, they would do exactly what they did when Bill and Mike came out. The thing is that he doesn’t know how to come out to  _ himself, _ because, honestly, he has no fucking idea what he even is. He knows that he likes guys, and he finds them attractive, but what if he just hasn’t found the right girl yet? What if he hasn’t been looking hard enough? Maybe, in the future, he would settle down with some girl that he finds attractive and he wasn’t actually what he thought he was now? He knows that he’s overreacting just a little bit, or looking too far into the future, but ever since he saw fucking Iron-Man with Stan, Bill, and Mike and realized that he actually finds Tony Stark hot in some way that he’s never thought of girls before, it scared the fuck out of him. The words staying and repeating in his head daily, and the fucking  _ book _ . He knew something was off in his brain, and he knew it had something to do with the words in the stolen library book that sits in his backpack like a weight, like a  _ dirty little secret _ . And, yeah, he felt dirty, and he felt like a liar, and he felt different, and he felt so wrong. 

“Hey, Eddie?” 

Eddie turned his gaze away from the water and directed it towards Richie, before tilting his head in response.

Eddie’s skin glowed under the afternoon sunlight, just like the water below them. His eyes and hair looking more brown under the sun’s light, and his freckles were more prominent while his pale skin looked slightly rosy. He had dark eyelashes that looked almost fake because of how long they were, and his eyes looked soft and welcoming under his lashes. The sun somehow made Eddie’s face more noticeable and it was almost like there was a spotlight that was shining on him, that made everyone turn their heads towards him, to get a better look, to notice the soft, round shape of his jaw that matched his equally soft brown eyes, and his brown hair that shines underneath the same spotlight, pronouncing his curls and the colors compliment the pale complexion of his skin and the slightly darker freckles that were dotted around his nose and cheeks. Everyone would drop what they were doing to look at the boy under the sunlit spotlight, even Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier.

“Sorry if this is like, invasive or weird to ask, but why did you want that book?” Richie asked, ignoring the thoughts that popped in his head just a second ago.

“Oh.” was all that Eddie said in response. He turned his head back down to look at the glistening water. He stayed silent for a moment, it looked like he was stuck in thought.

Richie internally slapped his brain before it could think about commenting on the way that his brown curls moved when he spoke while they shine under the sunlit spotlight.

“I’m assuming you, uh, want it for personal use as well?” Eddie said softly.

Richie only nodded.

“Well,” Eddie took a deep breath before saying anything else, “My friend came out about a year ago, and I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while before that. After she came out, though, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and Bowers shouting slurs at me didn’t really help my situation.”

“I thought I was going fucking crazy, and I guess maybe I was. I knew that if I said something to my friends, they wouldn't hate me or anything, but I don’t really know how to admit to myself that I’m... that I am who I am.”

Eddie took another deep breath and took his gaze away from the water below to look at Richie, like he was seeing if he is still listening. Richie is, of course, because he found Eddie’s story to hit a little too close to home. He didn’t know if he found it a little scary how close it was to his story, or if some part of him actually felt happy that someone else felt the exact same way that he did for so many years.

“I saw the book on the shelf about two days ago. I thought about it when I got home and I guess I just thought maybe it could solve my problems? I don’t exactly know if it will, but maybe it’s a start?”

Richie nodded and smiled at Eddie as soon as he finished, like he was reassuring him that he was listening and that he understood exactly what he was going through. He wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone, because Eddie’s story made  him  feel a little less alone.

“So,” Eddie said. “What about you?”

And Richie told Eddie the entire story. He never really thought he’d tell anyone the entirety of his story, especially not someone he’s just met. He didn’t know why it was so easy for him and Eddie to click, but they did. It felt like he’s known Eddie for a long time, and in some ways it was nice to be able to get along with someone so well. It was also a little scary, though, because he’s never clicked so fast with someone in his life, and he really didn’t know what about Eddie was so easy to click with. He decided not to dwell on it for too long, because even though it was a little scary, he was glad he had someone to open up to, especially about this thing that he’s kept bottled up inside of him for so fucking long. It did feel sort of relieving to be able to tell someone about it, because he finally got to let his mouth empty out his thoughts that have been stuck inside his mind. He was just a few steps closer to cleaning out his head that was full of repeating words that taunted him for years and years on end. He was close to the hundreds of broken records that his mind kept on repeat to finally come to a stop. He didn’t exactly know what would stop it, but he knew this was just getting him closer to finding it out.

Richie thought about his encounter with Eddie on his ride home. He was happy, at least, he should be, he met a person that he got along so well with and he got to finally let out the one thing that has been eating at him for so many years, so why wasn’t he? 

That’s because there was something else that was swirling through his mind now. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Eddie looked under the afternoon sunlight, or how his freckles looked under his rosy cheeks, or his soft brown eyes under his unnaturally long eyelashes, or the way his brown curls bounced every time he moved. He memorized so many miniscule things about Eddie and he doesn’t fucking know how or why. He never did things like this when he first met Stan, Mike, or Bill, so why was he doing it now? Why was every little thing about Eddie sticking to his mind like glue? It was all so confusing to him, new feelings, new encounters, new people. He thought he was so close to solving his problems, only for his dumb, fucked up brain to make an entirely new one that he didn’t know anything about.

Richie arrived home after what seemed like forever, being stuck in thought was honestly not something he liked doing. He was greeted by his mom, who had just come back inside from their backyard. He quickly said hello, and rushed to his room to scan through the stolen book that was in his backpack.

\------------------------------

The book wasn’t long, but Richie wasn’t really a reader, and all the foreign words in the book were making him feel dumber than usual. He wasn’t as dumb as people thought he was, he actually gets A’s in every class he takes, but this book just made him feel small, stupid, and exposed.

He had to keep setting down the book to type another foreign word into his phone. Usually, he would text Stan or Bill about it, because they’re pretty good with words, but with something like  _ this, _ he knew he didn’t want to contact anyone. 

That’s when his eyes scanned over a word he has heard way too many times before, straight from Henry Bowers’ mouth,  _queer_.

His eyes stare down at the word on the page. He’s never seen the word written out before, only hearing it when Bowers was pushing him down and being the normal asshole he always was. It was different, though, it almost felt too real for him. The word not just coming out of an asshole’s mouth or being screamed at him on repeat in his own head, but written on a page of a stolen book from the library. 

He let his eyes scan the definition, and it reads, ‘ _ denoting or relating to a sexual or gender identity that does not correspond to established ideas of sexuality and gender, especially heterosexual norms _ _.’_ and it sent chills down his spine. The definition of the word was so… formal, and it gives him a weird feeling in his stomach that he isn’t all too fond of.

He went through what felt like thousands of foreign words and formal definitions, and he felt exposed and cut open in an entirely new way. He thinks that if anyone were to walk in on him right now, they would know what his entire mind consisted of, and that scared him. 

Nothing stood out to him in a way that didn’t scare him and all of it confused him, but everything about this topic is confusing to him, because he didn’t know shit about his identity. His identity always scared him, maybe it was because everyone in Derry was all made from one boring, lifeless mold and if anyone was even slightly different, everyone would look at them like they weren’t human, or maybe it was because he knew he wasn’t like everyone else, he didn’t think girls in nice, flowy sundresses with pale skin and wavy hair were pretty, and he didn’t think girls were attractive in any way, he only thought that about boys. 

That was the biggest part of himself that scared him, because he already felt like he was different, but this just made him feel different in too many ways that were all confusing to him. Maybe if he lived in a place like California, or New York, where everyone was different, where nobody cared what or who you were, he wouldn’t feel this confused. 

A small part of himself knew exactly what he was, but he didn’t know how to make himself accept it. Bill and Mike have been out for years, and the two of them knew exactly what they were and who they wanted to be, but Richie? He didn’t know how to accept any foreign part of himself without cowering away. All he knew how to do was run away from any part of him that was slightly different, he isn’t brave. He’s just a coward who doesn’t know anything about himself, he doesn’t know what he’s feeling, and his mind is all sorts of fucked up.

He shut the book harshly and picked it up, getting ready to throw it as hard as he could before he stops himself and instead gently puts it back in his backpack. He didn’t want to mess up the book before giving it to Eddie, because he still needed the book in the same way that he did.

_Eddie_.  Eddie with his stupid brown eyes and pale, rosy skin and freckles that reminded Richie of the stars forming all the constellations in the night sky. Eddie confused him, because he was easy to talk to, and he made him want to open up, which was, honestly, not the easiest thing for him to do. He didn’t know why he felt this way around Eddie, he never felt this way around anyone that he’s met before, not even his closest friends. Something about the way that Eddie made him feel made his head spin from confusion, but he also  _ loved  _ the way that Eddie made him feel. He’s never felt so close to anyone like he does with Eddie, and even though everything going through his mind right now confused and scared him, he does know that he loves the feelings that he gets when he’s around Eddie.

He doesn’t exactly  _ know  _ what it is that he feels around Eddie, but it’s unlike anything that he’s ever felt before. The way he’s memorized every miniscule part about Eddie, like the way his brown eyes look off into the distance when he’s deep in thought, or the way he fidgets with his own hands when he’s talking, or when his voice gets softer when he decides to share his thoughts, or the way his face lights up when he talks about things he loves. That was just the small list of Eddie’s little quirks that he’s memorized, and in a way, it did concern Richie a tiny bit. He’s never looked so deep into specific quirks about  _ anyone  _ before, but he really didn’t know what to think of it, or where to start to figure it out.

He decided to try not to keep dwelling on the feelings and thoughts still swirling around in his head. He got up from his bed and went to the bathroom to wash his face, hoping that he’ll wash off the thoughts from his mind.

He went into the bathroom, locked the door, took off his glasses, and splashed water on his face. He didn’t bother wiping it off before he put his glasses back on and quickly looked at himself in the mirror. He saw his pale skin covered in the cold water that is now dripping down his face, all the way from his forehead down to his slightly freckled cheeks. His reflection staring back at him is someone he almost doesn’t recognize. The eyes behind his glasses was just a small portion of his face, but it seemed like they were telling an entire story about him that was all too revealing, like his eyes were a gateway into every single thought running through his brain that he’s been trying so hard to ignore. His own reflection was telling an entire story, and he felt exposed in a way that he’s never felt before. Everything about the reflection staring back at him was screaming this story that he wanted to keep deep, down inside of him, but the unfamiliar reflection that was looking at him through the mirror was letting out all of the dark secrets that were stowed away in his mind for everyone around to hear. The cold water dripping down from his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, making the reflection of him through the mirror look even more distorted, masking the scared, exposed boy that he was looking at which was only a reflection of his own self through a mirror that was in his own bathroom.

He shut his eyes tightly and put his head in his hands. He felt so exposed, so vulnerable, and all he did was look at his reflection in his own bathroom mirror. What the  _ fuck  _ was wrong with him? He can’t even look at his own fucking reflection without something going wrong in his shitty, fucked up brain and he hated it. He hated his stupid fucking brain and how it worked.

He took off his glasses once more and wiped his still dripping face with a towel before putting his glasses back on, trying his best to avoid looking through the mirror. When he was finished, however, he did look at the mirror again.

What he saw was slightly different from what he saw earlier. He didn’t feel vulnerable, nor exposed, because this reflection looking back at him was just himself, nothing else. What was really fucking him up was not the person looking back at him through his bathroom mirror, but his own mind that was filled with words and forbidden thoughts and things he’s never let out before he met this boy with curly brown hair and pale rosy cheeks dotted with freckles that still fucking reminded him of the stars in the sky he loved so dearly.

He ducked his head down and hit the sides of his head with the palms of his hands. He stayed looking down at his sink for a moment, not necessarily stuck in thought, but still distant from reality. He finally looked back up at his reflection in the mirror and he couldn’t really take it anymore. He didn’t want to be stuck with his fucked up brain, he didn’t want to be stuck in a stupid small town with dull people who were ignorant as fuck, he didn’t want to be stuck questioning whether or not he liked girls, and he didn’t want to fucking  _ like boys _ . He wanted to be fucking normal for once in his life, but his head keeps creating new problems for him to deal with and he just wants it to fucking  _ stop _ .

In a matter of seconds his right hand balled up into a fist and he swung at his reflection that was staring at him through the mirror. He doesn’t know how it happened, it happened way too quick for him to process it. He wouldn’t have even noticed he punched the mirror if he didn’t feel a stinging sensation pulsating through his entire hand, mostly his knuckles. Of course, Richie was still extremely unathletic and not in any way strong, so the punch did absolutely nothing to damage the mirror, and the damage to his knuckles looked to just be a slight bruising.

He looked down at his bruised knuckles for a while, not really knowing what to do. His hand hurt a fuckton, so he grabbed a bandage from one of his cabinets and gently wrapped his knuckles with it. When he finished, he looked back at his reflection for what seemed like the millionth time since he entered his bathroom.

He knew his reflection knew all the things he didn’t dare to admit to himself, his sexuality, his secrets, his feelings. He knew exactly what his reflection knew, the only difference was that he refused to say it out loud, refused to accept it, and refused to admit it to his own fucking self. Maybe, it was a little self destructive of him to do so, but he didn’t know what else to fucking do. He was scared, of his identity, of his feelings, of  _ everything _ . He knew deep, down inside of him what he was and what he felt, but he didn’t know what to do to make him fully accept it as a part of himself. He knew it would keep haunting him, taunting him, if he didn’t do anything about it, but he was scared, and he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t strong enough.

He took in a deep breath of air. The air in his bathroom was slightly different from the air outside in Derry. In his house it felt more safe, more secure, and he knew it was silly, but the air in outside Derry was odd, just like the entire fucking town. The air suffocated him and left a burning sensation in lungs, it felt like he was getting pulled down to the bottom the ocean, where he can’t breathe. It’s weird how he describes taking in a breath of Derry’s air, saying it only makes him feel like he  _ can’t  _ breathe, but it is true. Derry was like that, unpredictable, off, suffocating. Breathing the air of Derry was never fresh or relieving, and it always left a terrible feeling in his mouth, his throat, his lungs. It’s weird how air can do that to someone, and it shouldn’t be possible, but it is.

“Richie?” 

He jumps at the soft knock and voice outside of his bathroom door. It was his mom.

“Are you okay in there?” She asks. “Your father and I are heading to bed, and you should probably sleep, too, honey.”

Richie exhales quietly and softly. He loves his mother. She’s a good person with good morals and a good heart. She would love him no matter what he did, and all of his friends loved her, too. She’s an amazing mom and person in general, he’s really lucky to have her in his life. That’s also another reason why he felt bad about keeping his shit from her. He knew she wouldn’t mind and she definitely wouldn't hate him for it, but he just couldn’t tell her, or anyone for that matter.

“Yeah, mom.” He replied. “I’m okay. I’ll go to bed soon.”

“Okay, Rich. Goodnight, I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Goodnight.”

He waited until he stopped hearing his mom’s footsteps before looking back at his reflection in the mirror and opening his mouth to say something.

“I  _ like  _ Eddie.”

\------------------------------

That’s what he thinks about for the rest of the weekend, which wasn’t that long. Though, the one day he had to dwell on it felt like an eternity. 

Why he thinks he likes Eddie he doesn’t know, and why he already felt this way after one day he also doesn’t know nor understand at all in the slightest. Everything was so confusing, that’s all he could really feel right now, was confused. He didn’t know how else to really feel at this point, his own feelings were betraying him and he didn’t know what to feel or what to think or what to believe anymore. He’s never had a crush on  _ anyone  _ in his fucking life, and the first person his shitty ass brain decides to like is a person he met only a day ago, a person who happens to also be questioning his sexuality, and a person who he’s grown so fond of that he would hate it if he lost him.

He hasn’t known Eddie for long, but he feels some sort of connection to him, and he doesn’t know why, but he loves it. He loves it too much obviously, but he could manage, couldn’t he? It was just some small, dumb “crush” that he could easily get rid of anyways. It might not even be anything at all, Richie’s brain usually liked to act in stupid fucking ways. It’s not like he’s gonna announce it to the entire world that his fucked up brain thinks he might have a “crush” on a boy he’s going to share a book with.

He was good enough at hiding the fact that he memorized everything about the boy he met just yesterday, so he’s sure he could hide everything else. Maybe if he just didn’t look at his face for so long, his memorization would leave along with the “crush” that he had. Besides, it’s not like he even knows what a crush really feels like, so maybe he’s just trying to scare himself into believing he has a crush on some boy with star-like freckles that he only met a fucking day ago. 

He’ll be fine.

\------------------------------

Richie actually  _ was  _ fine for once in his life. He’s been hanging out with Eddie ever since, and he’s actually been happier than normal.

The second time the two of them hang out is almost a week later. They would exchange waves and smiles in the hallway, but they avoided hanging out together at school. It was mostly because they didn’t know how to explain to anyone how they met without exposing themselves, which was something they did not want to do.

Richie usually never payed a lot of attention when Bowers was bullying another student, but he always seemed to pick his head up at the times when Eddie is getting bullied by him. He would hear Bowers’ shouts from far away, and they were the same slurs that he would shout at Richie, too. He’s never heard Bowers say those words to anyone else but himself, but then again he’s never really payed any attention to Bowers when he’s bullying anyone else. Though, hearing Bowers shouting the same slurs that stayed stuck in his head at Eddie, it made him upset. Imagining Eddie’s scared face, him feeling vulnerable in the same way that Richie always has, he doesn’t like thinking about how Eddie was probably feeling the same way he does every single day. He didn’t like when Bowers bullied any of his friends, so this was no different than any other time he felt upset seeing Bowers bully his own friends. He’s upset because he doesn’t want anyone to feel the same way he feels all the time, especially not someone he considers a friend. He shook off the thoughts that were threatening to pop up in his head. 

The second time he met up with Eddie, it was also the Quarry. There wasn’t anywhere else they could really go to be alone anyways, so the Quarry was their best bet.

Richie bikes to his house to grab the book out of the drawer in his bedside table. He’s had the book since Saturday and he pretty much finished up the book the day he took it, so the book hasn’t been of much use to him since then. He did have to hide it from his parents, but he also hid it mostly because he didn’t want to look at it anymore. After the shit that happened in his bathroom, he wasn’t sure that reading the book again would be any help to him. He would say he regrets stealing the book in the first place, but he’d be lying if he said that. He was grateful for it, because he met Eddie, and he got to let out a bunch of shit that was stuck in his head for years, and he finally met someone who was dealing with a similar situation to his. 

He arrived at the Quarry a little later than Eddie did. He was already sitting close to the edge, watching the water glisten like it did just a week earlier. Richie slowly and quietly went over to sit next to Eddie at the edge, being careful not to startle him, something he would never do if it was Stan, Mike, or Bill. 

He took off the backpack he had on just as quietly and carefully as he did when he walked over to the edge. He set it down beside where he going to sit, and he sat right next to Eddie, just as careful as he did everything else.

Eddie turned his head to look at Richie as soon as he got settled next to him. 

“Hi.” he said, before looking down at Richie’s knuckles that were still bandaged from hitting his bathroom mirror just a week earlier. 

“What’s wrong with your hand?” Eddie asked, in a slightly concerned tone.

That made Richie look down at his bandaged knuckles. His mom noticed that he bandaged it the day after he punched the mirror, and she asked about it, like the concerned mom that she is. Of course, he lied to her, saying he hit his knuckles on his dresser while dancing to some music. His mom believed it rather easily, it is a believable story, after all. 

She bandaged his hand and advised that he keep his hand bandaged for a week or so, so he was almost done with it. He did have to explain to his friends how it happened, and he gave them the same, dumb, lie of a story, and they, too, believed it. He did feel terrible about lying, he didn’t want to lie, not to his mother or to his best friends, because they didn’t deserve to be lied to. He just wasn’t ready to say the truth out loud, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be.

Though, there Eddie was, sitting beside him at the edge of the Quarry, with a concerned look on his face. It makes Richie want to open up in a way he’s never wanted to before, but he couldn’t even tell  _ Eddie  _ the full truth. The words he said to his mirror after he punched it repeated in his head the very next day and he learned to ignore it, because it really was nothing at all. His mind likes to make up stupid shit that he doesn’t understand to scare him, to make him believe that he actually feels something so fucking stupid. He didn’t  _ actually  _ have a crush on Eddie, his mind was just fucked up, and it tries to convince him things are true when they are definitely  _ not  _ fucking true.

“Oh.” he replied softly, still looking down at his knuckles.

He had no idea if he is going to lie like he does to everyone else in his life, or if he’s going to spill out the truth. Being next to Eddie, seeing his concerned face when he saw his bandaged knuckles, it made him want to spill out everything in his mind, and he doesn’t know or understand why. He never understands why his mind thinks and feels the way it does.

“I read the book, the one that I stole. I read it as soon as I got home.” The truth it is, then.

“I guess it was…” Richie paused, taking a breath, but it didn’t help. Like he’s said before, the air in Derry burned his lungs, made him feel like he had no air left to breathe. “I guess it was too much. It’s like, I know deep, down what I really am, but I’m scared to admit it to myself.”

He pauses again to take his eyes off of his bandage and look at the glistening water down below him. It was just as majestic and beautiful as it was the week before when he was here with Eddie, and every time before that, too. 

He saw Eddie in the corner of his eye. He was looking at him with a concerned, but soft look on his face, like he was willing to listen to anything Richie had to say. It made him want to open up more, so he quickly averted his glance back to only the water that was below them. 

“I went to my bathroom to… to clear my head. It didn’t work at all, though.” Richie laughed slightly, but it wasn’t a happy one, it was more sad and deflated. “Long story short, I punched my bathroom mirror.”

“You- What?” 

Richie turned his head away from the water to fully to look at Eddie. His face was filled with concern, it looked like he genuinely felt that way, and it left a fuzzy feeling in the pit of Richie’s stomach.

“You  _ punched  _ your bathroom mirror?” Eddie asked, a worried tone lacing his voice. He shook his head, and his curls bounced as his head moved, like they usually do. “Are you okay? Did you go to the doctor? Did you get glass in your hand?”

Richie chuckled at Eddie’s concerned rambling. It was funny, seeing the way his curls bounced when he shook his head rapidly, or seeing his hands make vigorous movements, or seeing his eyebrows furrow while he continued to ramble. It was also a little endearing, the fact that Eddie was rambling on, because it meant he wanted to know if Richie was okay. The fuzzy feeling in his stomach only grew more.

“It’s alright, Eds. I’m fine. I’m not strong enough to break my knuckles, and I’m definitely not strong enough to break my glass mirror. My knuckles are only bruised, nothing too bad.” Richie assured Eddie.

Eddie stays silent for a small moment, his eyebrows furrowed, and Richie saw a look of disgust show up on Eddie’s small face.

“Don’t call me that.” Was all that he said.

“What? Eds?”

“Yeah. I hate that.”

Richie nodded his head. “Alrighty then, Eds!”

“You’re annoying.” 

“I try my best, Eds!”

And that was the end of any serious conversation. When they decided to part ways, Richie handed Eddie the book and watched as he stuffed it into his backpack. They then got on their bikes, waved goodbye to each other, and parted ways. 

Ever since then, things have been good. Him and Eddie have been hanging out quite frequently, sometimes they would even hang out at his house on the weekend. Eddie loved Richie’s parents, and he was really glad. After hearing all the stories about his mother, he hoped that Eddie would find comfort around his family, like many of his friends did. 

Eddie kept the book for a while, and Richie decided not to ask for it back. It’s not like he needed it anymore, and who knows? Maybe Eddie still needed it. 

When he would hang out with Eddie, it always gave him a fuzzy feeling in his stomach. He’s never felt it before, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling, it was actually a little comforting. He didn’t think much of it after a while, it’s not like it meant anything, and there wasn’t any need for him to dwell on it. 

He’s also gotten rid of the “crush” that his brain made up the first time they met. He realized it really was nothing, just like he thought, so, right now, he doesn’t have any other problem but the one he’s had for most of his life. 

He did feel different around Eddie than he did with his other friends, but most of his friendship with Eddie was different. He felt a little more free around him than he did with Stan, Mike, or Bill. He’s felt like that even the first time they talked, and it was a nice feeling, he does admit that to himself. He knew what he felt around Eddie was nothing more than platonic, and maybe it did feel stronger than his platonic feelings toward Stan, Mike, and Bill, but it was still only platonic. The fuzzy feeling he gets in his stomach, the memorization of his movements and the arrangement of his star-like freckles on his rosy cheeks, it was merely platonic, and nothing more than that. His mind might try to convince him otherwise just to scare him, but he knew better than to trust that.

They have been hanging out together every week, usually on weekends, and usually at the Quarry, with the exception of the occasional days they went to Richie’s house. They haven’t hung out with anyone else, and sometimes his mom would ask him why Eddie didn’t hang out with the rest of his friends, but he usually made up some dumb excuse and his mom would believe it. He’s been lying a lot to the people he’s known for so long and like always, he feels guilty, and terrible, he wonders if Eddie is dealing with this, too.

Today is going to mark two months since they met, and it was their eighth time hanging out. It didn’t feel like he knew Eddie for that long, but it also felt like he’s known him for his entire life. It always felt like that when he was around him, feelings full of mystery, because being around Eddie made him like that. 

His feelings were always complicated and weird, but around Eddie they were so foreign but yet he felt safe when he feels them. If his feelings  _ weren’t  _ foreign and unpredictable around Eddie, then there was definitely something wrong. He didn’t know if it was because Eddie himself was mysterious and unpredictable, or if his feelings were just like that around him. Whatever it was, it was annoying to him at the beginning, but once he got used to it, he’s learned to love the added spice it gives to his life. 

Richie arrives at the Quarry earlier than Eddie did. What he learned from only knowing him for two months, was that if they met up afterschool, he was always there pretty early, but on weekends, he usually arrived later than Richie did. It was mostly because of his mom. She didn’t like Eddie randomly leaving in the middle of the day on a weekend. Eddie says that she says it’s because she’s scared of him being out during the ‘busy days’, but Derry was never busy, even on weekends, it was always empty and fucking boring. They usually tried to plan their hangouts on Fridays, since it was afterschool and Eddie could lie to his mom, saying that he was only going to the library to study, it also got him away from his mom for a while, so it was a win-win situation.

However, today was not Friday, which meant that it might be a while until Eddie shows up. Eddie usually texts him when they meet up on weekends to tell him when he’s finally escaped his mom’s grasp and is his on his way over. The time usually varies, so it could be ten minutes, or an hour. 

Since Richie was already wearing his headphones when he arrived, he just keeps them on while he walks over to his normal spot at the edge of the Quarry. He watches the water glisten as it moves slightly from the wind, and he loves the sight of it, he always does. His headphones playing a soft song, which wasn’t what his playlists mostly consisted of, but it was nice that out of the many songs it could play, it plays a song that really matches the mood of the scenery he’s admiring. 

The soft, deep singing filled his ears and it calmed his normally loud brain for a moment. He wasn’t thinking about the light blue book he stole at the library two months ago, he wasn’t thinking about the day he punched his bathroom mirror and bruised his knuckles, he wasn’t thinking about the word  _ queer  _ or  _ gay _ , and he wasn’t thinking about the mysterious feelings he felt around Eddie, he was just… content. The water moving slowly and glistening under the afternoon sun, and the small gusts of cold wind ruffling his hair while a soft song plays through his headphones made him feel at ease.

_ “Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips, _

_ we should just kiss like real people do” _

Those lyrics played and it caught Richie off guard. The soft, deep voice singing those words stuck out in his head, even as the song moved on from those words and continued on as if it didn’t affect anyone who was listening. 

His first thought when he heard those lyrics was of Eddie. Small, pale, curly haired Eddie. Why the  fuck  is it always Eddie? The words of the song were definitely not something that someone would hear and immediately think of their fucking  _ friend. _ Friends don’t kiss, they hug, they laugh, and they  _ don’t  _ think about the other when a lyric about kissing plays through their ears. 

Maybe his mind was right for once, and thinking that for even a second scared him shitless. He never really cared that much if his mind was right on some things, but something like  _ this  _ is something he never wants to admit as true. It couldn’t be true, he hasn’t felt anything further from platonic feelings for Eddie the entire two months he’s known him, so why is he only feeling it now? It has to be some dumb thing his brain is doing once again, right? He can’t have an actual crush on Eddie because he  _ doesn’t _ . He’s never thought of him in anything more than a platonic way because he  _ doesn’t  _ have a crush on him, and he doesn’t want him as anything more than a fucking friend. He doesn’t want to kiss him  _ like real people do,  _ because he doesn’t have a fucking crush on him. He refuses to let his stupid, fucked up brain decieve him again. He fell for it once, and he’s falling for it now. When the fuck is he going to learn that his mind is not something he should listen to without taking it with a ginormous grain of salt? God, he’s such a fucking idiot it really makes him wonder how the hell he’s gone on for so long.

His thoughts were interrupted by someone sitting down next to him, and he jumped at the sound. He paused his music quickly, noticing that he’d missed a text from Eddie while he was stuck in his head, so he now knew who had sat down beside him.

He looked next to him and, of course, it was Eddie, which he was who he was expecting, but after the thoughts of him ran through his mind, it still took him aback to see the person who was the center of those dumb thoughts. After what went through his head just a moment ago, he should be freaking out, but he wasn’t, he was feeling the exact opposite. He let out a small breath of air from his lungs and smiled at him. 

Eddie chuckled, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. You seemed a little occupied with your music I tried to be discreet, but I guess it didn’t work very well.”

“No, no.” Richie shook his head and smiled, less big than he did a moment ago. “You’re fine, I don’t think I noticed that you texted me earlier.”

“Well, uh,” Eddie paused, getting more comfortable before continuing his sentence. “My friend, uh, Bev, she saw us wave in the hallway yesterday, and she asked if we could, uh, all hang out as a group?”

It took a second for Richie to process what Eddie had said. They never tried to combine friend groups because they were afraid something about the stolen, light blue book from the library could slip out of one of their mouths. Surprisingly, his friends didn’t notice him smile and wave at Eddie in the hallway, but maybe they did and they just didn’t bother to ask about it. 

Hanging out with Eddie’s friends didn’t sound like a terrible idea, if he was being honest. It’s not like he’s never thought about combining friend groups. He’s always thought that Stan, Mike, and Bill would love Eddie, but Richie wasn’t clever enough to come up with a different story about how they met, because he knew someone would be bound to ask them at one point. It would also be nice to meet the famous Bev and Ben, because Eddie says a lot of good stuff about them, and his whole face lights up slightly when he speaks about those two.

It might also be a good way to take his mind off of this stupid “crush” he always thinks he has on Eddie. He’s probably just been hanging around him alone for so long, that he’s developed a soft spot for him that he’s mistaken as a crush. He just needed a day where they don’t hang out alone, and that would fix everything.

Richie must’ve been in his head for a second too long because Eddie decided to say something.

“You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to, but if you’re worrying about the story of how we met, I have a plan for that. We can just say a simpler version of the one that already exists, just don’t mention what book it actually is. I understand if you still wish to say no, it wouldn’t be a problem at all.”

“No, it’s actually a good idea. I’d love to meet your friends.”

Eddie let out a small sigh of relief. “They seem eager to meet you, too. Though, it might be disappointing when they meet you and realize that all you do is make mom jokes.”

Richie faked offense to his words. “I’ll have you know your mom loves my jokes! Especially when I told them to her last night!”

“Ew, Rich. That’s exactly what I’m talking about.” Eddie rolled his eyes. “So, next week? Friday?”

Richie nodded, “Yeah, but I’m not promising that my beautiful jokes about your mom will cease, Eds.”

“Stop calling me that!”

And that was all. They talked, laughed, had fun, just like normal. The fuzzy feeling in Richie’s stomach was still present and he noticed it more than usual. Even though he didn’t tell Eddie what he was thinking about previous to when he arrived, he still felt it, and he still noticed it. And it wasn’t like he thought it was before, because before it went away, but now, it was even more present in his mind. He might be able to push it down, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to push it completely down where he can’t see or feel it. This time was more complicated than it was before, and he just hoped that he wouldn’t have to get to a point where he needed to do something about it. Crushes usually come and go, like they did for Stan and Bill, and even though his feelings are different from theirs in a few complex ways, he hoped that this wouldn’t be too different.

When he biked home from the Quarry, the fuzzy feeling lingered in his stomach, and he couldn’t take his mind off of the words that the soft, deep voice sung to him through his headphones. He thought about the fuzzy feeling and the warm sensation he’s always felt when he’s around Eddie and he thought about the arrangement of his freckles that still reminded him of the stars that formed his favorite constellations in the night sky. Every single part of Eddie was still engraved in his mind. He couldn’t remember what he had for lunch yesterday, but he can remember the way Eddie’s eyebrows furrow and his nose slightly scrunches up in disgust when he makes a stupid joke or calls him a dumb nickname. 

He arrived home and immediately rushed to his bathroom. He avoided looking at his reflection in the mirror and splashed some water on his face, forgetting that he still had his glasses on. He then slowly picked his head up to look at his reflection in the mirror and it was different from what he saw last time. All he saw was himself, himself with water dripping down his face and water all over his glasses. It wasn’t like the last time he thought his feelings for Eddie were something more than platonic and, once again, he was confused. 

He sighs while taking off his glasses and wiping them clean on his shirt. He leaves his bathroom still confused. He doesn’t know what he really feels, or what he really wants. He couldn’t even admit to himself what he even was and now some small boy with freckles arranged like constellations made him think that he was developing his first crush? He doesn’t know what the fuck is wrong with him and the things running through his brain. He just wants to know what he is actually feeling for once, because obviously whatever he was thinking about earlier wasn’t what he actually wanted or what he actually felt. He still doesn’t know why he felt what he did while he was listening to that song at the Quarry, but he wants to stop dwelling on it. Most of the time, when he dwells on things like this, it only made things worse for him. When he first ignored the weird thoughts of a “crush”, it seemed to have worked, since after a while the feelings went away. He could only hope it would work again this time. 

\------------------------------

As the week passed, it went by slowly. His thoughts of a “crush” never did truly go away like it did the time before, and he started to grow concerned. The lyrics played in his head, just like the slurs Bowers would shout at him once did, and everything he memorized about Eddie would appear in his head. He thought it would go away after a while if he just did what he did the time before, but ignoring it seemed to do nothing to help. Seeing Eddie’s small smile and bouncing curls in the hallway didn’t help either, it only made the picture of him that was in his mind much more vivid. 

He seemed to hide the feelings quite well, though, because nobody seemed to be catching on. He doesn’t really know how he’s managed to hide the feelings that were so loud and obvious in his own head, but, then again, he somehow managed to do that with the feelings he’s had longer than this one. 

He was extremely scared of these feelings, and he doesn’t exactly know what is causing him to be scared. Maybe it was the fact that he has a crush on someone, or maybe it was the fact that he has a crush on a _ boy. _ Either way, it’s scary and foreign and it makes his mind swirl with even more confusion than he had before. 

He was glad he said yes when Eddie told him about the two of them hanging out with his friends. He wasn’t sure he was ready to face him alone with the confusion he was facing right now. He’s afraid that Eddie would see right through him, because he was like that, he knew things, he was mysterious, but also easy to understand. Eddie has always been so fucking confusing, and the things Richie feels around him are confusing, but he couldn’t step away. It’s like Eddie is the sun, and Richie is just a small planet, forced to orbit around him even when he doesn’t want to.

It was now Friday, and he was riding on his bike to the Quarry, alone. It’s different from the other times he would hang out with Eddie. Usually, on Fridays, they would ride their bikes together to the Quarry. They would have their headphones in their ears while they would ride to the Quarry, just feeling the cold Derry breeze on their skin. Sometimes, he would sneak a glance towards Eddie, and if he was looking back, Richie would make a stupid face at him that would make him laugh. 

He was riding alone this time, though, and it was a little lonely, but it’s not like he’s never ridden alone before. Eddie told him he would be arriving with his friends, so he would come a little later than usual. Richie decided to just go by himself, since he was meeting his friends for the first time, he thought he should make a little bit of an effort to be polite. 

It would be nice to be able to hang out with other people instead of being alone with Eddie. His thoughts have been deceiving him for a while, so being around other people would probably silence his brain, it usually did. It might help him start to forget about the weird thoughts he keeps having that involves the curly-haired boy he met at the library. 

He arrived at the Quarry and decided to sit further away from the edge, since it’d probably be awkward trying to talk if they were all crowded at the edge. It was weird, thinking about other people in a spot that him and his friends claimed so many years ago. It’s not like it was a hidden place or anything, but the Quarry always felt like it was just his and his friends’ territory. He knew none of his friends would mind if they knew he brought other people here, it’s not like they owned this place, but it still felt a little weird. It’s almost like the Quarry became more than just a place for him and his friends as soon as he brought Eddie here. It became a place of untold secrets, a stolen, light blue library book exchange, a place full of laughs and dumb nicknames, a place filled with mystery feelings, a place where the sun shines on a boy named Eddie Kaspbrak like a spotlight, highlighting his existence so everyone can see and know he exists. 

He took out his headphones and put his headphones in his back pocket. He didn’t want to have a repeat of what happened last week. He wanted today to be a day where he can forget about that, and maybe even forget about it completely. He didn’t know what to expect when it came to the way that his brain works, because it truly was unpredictable. He could forget about this “crush” he thinks he has, or he could hear his mind screaming it at him for days on end. He’s learned that his mind is just a fucked up mess that he has no real control over, all he can do is take everything his mind spews out at him with a big grain of salt.

He’s never been sure of what he wants, not when it came to things that were deeper than the surface. He wasn’t very good at metaphors, things with meanings that have meanings within itself. Feelings were like one big fucking metaphor, so he was never good at understanding feelings, specifically his own. The way he thinks, the way he feels, it’s complicated in a way that he still has yet to understand. He finds meaning to the things he feels, but then something new pops up and he’s back to square one, back to the confusing cycle of finding meaning after meaning. He doesn’t know why his brain can’t just tell him exactly what it feels and what it wants, because this cycle of metaphors is becoming brutal at this point. 

He was stuck in his head for a moment before his phone dinged. It was a text from Eddie, from about ten minutes ago. He doesn’t know how he didn’t hear it earlier, but it was good timing, because Eddie was a few seconds away from arriving with his friends. He has a little bit of time to make himself look like he wasn’t pondering about his fucked up mind.

That’s when he heard voices from the distance and the sound of bikes being placed down. It would’ve been nicer if he had seen the text from Eddie the moment he sent it, but he was glad he heard it when he did, so he wouldn’t be startled when hearing the unfamiliar voices mixed up with Eddie’s from afar.

“Richie!” Eddie shouted when he got closer to where he was sitting.

He waved back to Eddie and smiled. He was with two other people, a boy and a girl. The boy, who he assumed was Ben, had short, light brown hair and pale skin, while the girl, who he assumed was Bev, had curly, red hair that was about as short as Ben’s and pale skin that was dotted with freckles. 

“Hi! So this is Richie.” Eddie said, gesturing towards him. “And, Richie, this is Bev and Ben.”

He got up from where he was sitting to shake hands with Bev and Ben. It was a little awkward, but usually when first meeting someone, it can be awkward. The day he met Eddie, though, was an exception.

After a while, everything fell into place rather nicely. Bev and Ben were sweet and funny, he understood why Eddie loved them so much. They all got along, and Eddie and Richie’s half true meeting story worked like a charm. The best news is that he hasn’t thought about his confusing ass feelings the entire time since the three of others arrived at the Quarry. The feelings were still there, but it is a relief that they aren’t at the front of his mind. 

“Do you guys swim in that water?” Ben asked, looking at the sign beside the edge that explicitly said swimming was not allowed.

“Of course, Benny Boy!” Richie replies enthusiastically. “My friends and I came here when we were kids, and nobody was really keeping this place in check, so we thought, why the fuck not? We’ve been doing it ever since!”

“I think it’s disgusting, swimming in that dirty ass water.” Eddie says. “There could be fucking  _ anything  _ in there! It’s not like anyone cleans that shit! And, Richie here, swims in it when it’s not even the right weather to swim in!”

“Aw, come on, Eds! Don’t be a Debby Downer! It’s fun!”

“We should swim in it!” Bev pipes up, standing up from where she was previously sitting.

“Right now?” Richie asks.

“Yeah, sure! Why not?”

“Ew! Fuck no!” Eddie’s nose scrunches in disgust. “I’m  not  swimming in that shit!”

“Suit yourself, then, Debby Downer!” Bev replied. “You coming with us, Ben?”

Ben nods. “Why not?”

“You too, Ben?” Eddie’s nose was still scrunched. “Fine, suit yourselves! Just don’t come crying to me when you guys get an infection!”

“We won’t.” Bev rolled her eyes. “So, how do we do this?”

“We just jump off the cliff.” Richie gestures to the edge of the cliff. “You can take off your shirt and pants if you don’t want to get all of your clothes wet, but it’s up to you.”

Bev was already a step ahead of him, because after he finished talking, she dropped her shirt and pants on the ground, ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped off.

“Well, alrighty then!” Richie said while taking off his shirt and pants.

Eddie looked down at Bev in the water.

“It’s fun down here!” Bev shouted up to Eddie, “You’re missing out!”

“I’m sure I’m not!” Eddie shouted back and then turns his head to look at Richie, who was now getting ready to jump off the cliff.

He felt Eddie’s stare on him for a second, and he looked back at him. Richie could’ve sworn he saw a slight blush growing on his face, but it was probably nothing, his cheeks were always rosy.

“See you at the bottom, Eds?” Richie raised his eyebrows.

“In your dreams, Tozier.” Eddie says.

Richie shrugs. “Suit yourself! Have fun being bored, old man!”

Eddie flipped him off before he jumped off of the cliff and into the water.

“It’s actually pretty cool here.” Bev said once Richie had his head above the water. “Thanks for showing us this place, dude.”

“Don’t sweat it, Beaver!” he replied. “I love it here, and if you’re cool enough to avoid the sign that explicitly says not to jump into the water, you definitely deserve to be here.”

“I’m coming down!” Ben shouted down to the two of them.

“C’mon, Benny Boy! You got this, man!” Richie shouted back

“Go Ben!” Bev cheered.

Ben jumped off the cliff and landed in the water, laughing as his head came up out of the water.

“That was awesome!” Ben said, before shouting up at Eddie. “Don’t be boring, Eddie! The water’s cool and the jump is awesome!”

Eddie responded by flipping them off and sticking his tounge out playfully.

“Have fun, oldie! We’ll be having fun in the cool water!” Bev shouted up to him, before the three of them started a splash war.

Richie doesn’t know how long they were in the water for when he hears another splash in the water which makes everyone’s heads turn towards the sound. It’s none other than Eddie’s head that pops out from under the water.

“Eddie!” Bev swims over to him and hugs him. “You’re not a boring old man anymore!

Eddie lightly pushes Bev off of him and crosses his arms. “Don’t make it a big deal. I was bored.”

“I knew you’d come around, Eds!” Richie ruffles his hair. “Didn’t want you to be all lonely up there!”

“Okay, whatever. Fuck you, dickhead.”

The four of them swim around and play games in the water. They laugh and splash each other, floating on their backs to regain their energy before going back to their games. Eddie had fun despite being disgusted by the thought of being in the water, and it warmed Richie’s heart just a little bit.

Eddie’s curls were smoothed down by the water, and his face was more rosy that usual, making his constellation-like freckles stand out more than they already do. Eddie’s smile was also ten times bigger than it was before he jumped into the water, and it made Richie’s stomach fuzzier than it was before. He loved seeing Eddie smile and laugh while splashing him in the face. He loved seeing Eddie when they would play chicken and Richie would fall off—totally not on purpose—and he would cheer in victory and laugh at his failure. When he would see Eddie laugh and enjoy himself, it warmed his heart and made his stomach fill up with the same fuzzy feeling that he feels all the time around him. It made him happy to see Eddie happy, especially in one of his favorite spots in Derry. His rosy cheeks and watered down curls starting to carve itself into Richie’s head, just like every other part of him did. His laugh sounding like a beautiful symphony of life going through his ears and sending a chill down his back.

_Holy shit_.

He was  _ fucked.  _ Completely and utterly fucking  _ fucked. _

He tried his best to not think about the stupid thoughts in his mind that he’s been thinking about all week, but after seeing Eddie in the water at the Quarry, one of his favorite spots, it all just hit him in the face like a brick, no, like a fucking  _ cinder block. _

And he was so fucking  _ fucked _ . He couldn’t think of any way to describe it, because all he was, was  _ fucked _ . He couldn’t do shit about it because he was  _ fucked _ .

That’s what he thought about for the rest of the time they were there, and on the bike ride back to his house.

He was  _ fucked _ . He thought there was a possibility he could forget about it, or make it go the fuck away, but after today, he had no hope that any of that would ever happen. He was so  _ fucked _ , and that was all. All he was, was  _ fucked _ .

He arrived home and rushed into his bathroom, quickly locking it after entering. He looked in the mirror, straight at the reflection that was staring back at him, not bothering to throw water on his face.

He saw the same person he saw the day he read the stolen library book, only this time, he didn’t feel more vulnerable or exposed, because he already felt vulnerable and exposed. He narrowed his eyebrows and the person staring back at him through the mirror, a person who knew all of his secrets, and a person who accepted them as they were. For some reason, he was jealous of that person. That person didn’t have to worry about being scared, or hiding, or being completely  _ fucked _ , he was jealous of that, because  he  had to. 

His right hand clenched up into a tight fist at his sides, and he closed his eyes, taking a long, and deep inhale of air before letting his hand open back up. 

He sighed and kept his eyes closed for a moment. He slowly opened them back up and stared at the person who was looking back at him in the mirror. This time, the person in the mirror look just as vulnerable as he did in that moment, and it took him aback for a moment. The person who he saw before was a person who knew and accepted everything that he knew, but now, all he saw was a person just as scared as he was. 

He opened his mouth, lips shaking, trying to form any type of sound. He was scared, and vulnerable, and exposed, just like last time. 

“ _I like Eddie_.” 

\------------------------------

The entire weekend, that was all that went through his mind. He got pretty good at hiding while he was around his parents, but it was still screaming at him, getting louder and louder as he put on a front. 

He finally understands what he is now, though, so in a way, it’s kind of good. He finally knows what he identifies as, and even though it scares him still, he can at least accept that this is a part of him that’s not going to go away. 

He’s also finally accepted that he does, in fact, have a real crush on Eddie. He knew he was fucked since he saw him swimming at the Quarry that Friday afternoon. He’s been scared of it ever since, partly because it really made him come to terms with his sexuality, and partly because he had a crush on a  _ boy  _ that was also becoming one of his closest friends. He was scared of losing Eddie as a friend, he was scared of fucking up the friendship they built over the small two month period that they’ve known each other in.

It was less confusing now, but not less scary. It was scary knowing that he wasn’t the same as most of society, that he didn’t like girls the way Stan and Bill did, but he liked boys. He shouldn’t be so scared to tell his friends, because after Bill, and after Mike, he knew they would accept him with open arms, but that didn’t stop him from being scared anyways.

The word  _ gay  _ felt so big and scary. It made Richie feel more vulnerable than ever before, but, he also feels some form of comfort from the word. It’s hard for him to really navigate the emotions he feels from the word, but no matter how scary it was, he knew it was what he was. He was  _ gay  _ and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. What was worse was that he’s only come to terms with it now because of some dumb crush he has on a boy he met two months ago, in a library, reaching for the same book that haunted the both of them.

And when he arrived at school three days after he swam with Eddie, Bev, and Ben at the Quarry, he almost forgot what he told them before they all parted ways. He’s supposed to bring them over to his table where he has lunch with Bill and Stan. He’s glad he didn’t fully forget when he met up with Stan and Bill in the hallway, because that was the only time he saw them before lunch. Stan and Bill were okay with it, they seemed happy that they were adding more people to the group, and they insisted that they should take them to the Quarry sometime soon so they can meet Mike. It did make him happy, thinking about Eddie being in their group, meeting Mike, swimming in the Quarry with his friends. 

Lunch came sooner than he expected, and he didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. He waited for Eddie, Bev, and Ben near the entrance of the lunch room. He told Bill and Stan to sit down without him, they shouldn’t be too long, anyways.

Less than a minute later, he saw Eddie, Bev, and Ben walking towards him. He smiled and waved at the three of them, watching as they waved back and walked closer to where he was standing.

“Hey, Rich!” Bev said, “We’re excited to meet your, hopefully real, friends!”

Richie faked offense to Bev’s remark, putting his hand over his heart. 

“I’ll have you know I do have friends, Beaver! I’m too irresistibly charming to not!”

“I doubt that, dickhead.” Eddie smirked, “You make a lot of shitty jokes. How’s to know that Stan, Bill, and Mike aren’t just figments of your imagination?”

“If you can stand my jokes, Edsie, then you might be a figment of my imagination, too.”

“You wish, Tozier. I’m too advanced for your head to create.” 

“Okay, guys.” Ben spoke up. “We should probably go and sit down now.”

“Way to ruin the fun, Benny Boy!” Richie replied, but walked into the lunchroom anyways, with everyone following closely behind him. 

The table where him and his friends sat at was close to the back of the lunchroom. They’ve sat at that table since the first day of ninth grade. It was a place that was the furthest away from Bowers and closest to the exit, where the three of them would occasionally ditch the rest of the school day and hang out at the Quarry with Mike. 

That lunch table holds a lot of memories. The laughs and conversations, plans for their next hangout with Mike. It was weird when they entered high school without Mike. If it hadn’t been for Bowers’ ignorant ass, they might still have been able to share their high school experience with Mike, like they were supposed to. 

The four of them reached the lunch table, where Stan and Bill sit. The two of them picked up their heads and waved at them. 

“Okay, everyone! This is Billiam and Staniel!” Richie said, gesturing toward the two sitting down when saying their names.

Richie sat down, making room for everyone behind him to take a seat as well.

“Hi, guys.” Stan said. “You can call me Stan, not whatever bullshit Richie just called me.”

“And I’m Bill!” Bill smiled at the new group of people.

“It’s great to meet you guys!” Bev smiled back. “I’m Bev, and this is Eddie and Ben!” 

They all got along pretty well. They talked like they’ve known each other for a long time. They all fit together nicely, and it made Richie happy to see that. When he met Bev and Ben at the Quarry, he knew his friends would love them, and it was a good feeling to see that it was true. 

Sometimes, Richie forgets that Eddie’s only just met his friends now. He’s grown so attached to Eddie since the day he met him, and the two of them shared so much in these months of knowing each other. He knew a lot about his friends before he met them, and he shared a lot of stories of his friends, too. He’s known for a while that his friends would love Eddie and how well he would fit in with them. Richie wouldn’t deny that, yes, he did think about different scenarios where Eddie would meet his friends, but it was only because before, they had no plans on combining friend groups.

Thinking about Eddie was different now than it was before the day he met his friends at the Quarry. It was weird because he knew now what he  _ really  _ felt about him, it wasn’t just a dumb thing his mind made up, it was real, and it was weird. He didn’t know what he was going to do about it, but he sure as hell wasn’t telling Eddie. He probably won’t tell anyone about it. Besides, senior year was going to end soon, and he’ll be stuck in Derry for a few more years, while Eddie will go somewhere nice, California or New York or somewhere like that, to pursue whatever dream he has. He’ll learn how to let go of it, Stan and Bill have let go of crushes before, so this shouldn’t be too different.

Most of lunch was everyone getting to know each other. They talked about the Quarry and childhood memories. Richie and his friends mentioned Mike and that conversation ended with a plan for all of them to hang out at the Quarry with Mike. 

Richie was glad that he didn’t have to hang out alone with Eddie. He wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to handle hanging out alone with him after what he discovered. He was scared of the feelings that he felt towards Eddie because he’s never felt them before, and it’s something he didn’t want to feel in the first place. Every time he’s around Eddie, he feels like he could spill out everything in his brain and that always confused him because most people he knew didn’t give him that kind of feeling, but now he’s scared of it. He’s scared that he’ll spill out his crush on Eddie and he’ll leave. The last thing he wants to do is drive Eddie away because of some dumb feelings he has towards him. 

His feelings always scared him. The lack of feeling he had for girls, the closed off way he’s been with any feelings that were too personal. He was never good at being serious, especially around his friends. He didn’t like making things too serious, he liked making people laugh, even if most of the time his jokes were kind of shitty. He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings, mostly because he didn’t know how to describe them. He always felt bad because he was so closed off when it came to his feelings, and that made him hard to read. He didn’t like that his own friends had to take time to interpret what it was that he was feeling, and take space up in their brains to recognize when he wasn’t acting like himself. He wished he could be more open to people, his friends, his parents. They deserved knowing the truth about what he was feeling, because they cared about him and his true feelings. He always felt guilty, lying about his emotions, or covering them up with some shitty joke about fucking someone’s mom. Feelings were just too fucking complicated for him to wrap his head around, and when his mind always liked to deceive him, it was hard to know what he really wanted.

The rest of the school day passed by quicker than normal. He was glad, though, since school was always draining him. He’s always gotten straight A’s in every class he’s been in, the work itself always came easy to him, but the rest of school didn’t. Also, since it was his senior year, he had to look into college. The idea of college was scary for him. He had no idea what he wanted to do, and he didn’t want to be stuck in some dead end nine to five job. His friends were all deciding on places to go to apply for colleges, and and none were in Derry, not like there was more than one college in Derry, anyway. The three of his friends were looking to apply to some colleges in New York or Florida. They tried to convince him to at least apply, even if he wasn’t sure he wanted to go. He thought about it, and he’s still thinking about it. He just doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, and picking a major feels like it’s going to determine his entire life. His friends always try to convince him that it’s definitely not the case, but he’s just scared. He’s so scared he hasn’t even applied to a single fucking college. With his luck, he’ll be stuck in fucking Derry, at the community college, studing something dumb like accounting or some shit.

He wasn’t good at hiding his feelings, despite being able to hide them from everyone around him. His brain was truly fucked up in all kinds of ways, and there was no other way to describe it. He never liked opening up, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t want to. He wasn’t good with words or being serious. He covered up most of what he felt with shitty jokes and it was disappointing, mostly because part of him knew his friends started to notice his bad habit, but they didn’t want to pry into him and his emotions. He didn’t like dealing with his feelings and emotions alone, but he didn’t know how to say anything about it. 

He’s never been able to open up to anyone, until Eddie. 

It’s always been weird when he’s around Eddie, but never in a bad way. He didn’t know there could be such a thing as a ‘good weird’ feeling, but now that’s what he feels constantly when he’s around him. He’s never met anyone like Eddie. Everything about that boy captivates him, pulls him in, and he wants  _more_.  The thought of that scares him down to the core, wanting more of Eddie than he already has, because he knew it meant something more to him. It meant a bigger thing than friendship, and it scared him because he’s never wanted something like that before. Eddie made him feel things he’s never felt before, made him want to crumble up and pour every last bit of him out for only Eddie to see, for only him to know. It was a confusing, indescribable bunch of feelings that he was feeling about Eddie, and he didn’t know what to make of it or how to describe it. What he did know, was that nobody ever felt this way about someone they only wanted to be friends with. He knew that he didn’t want to be just friends with Eddie, he wants  _more_.

That’s what he thought about on the bike ride to the Quarry. It wasn’t the best thing to think about when he was going to see Eddie and all of his friends in just a few minutes, but his mind didn’t give a shit about what was good for him. Most of the things his mind conjured up was never good for him, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

He arrived at the Quarry a few seconds after Eddie did, because he saw him in the spot where they place their bikes when he arrived. 

“Hey, Eds Spagheds!”

“Ew.” Eddie replied, not looking up from where he was placing his bike down. “Another shitty nickname, dickhead?”

“Are you really surprised, Eddie-o?”

Eddie looked at Richie with disgusted look on his face. He always thought the way Eddie scrunched his nose in disgust at his stupid nicknames was more than adorable. The bridge of his nose scrunched up, making the tip poke out slightly, pronouncing the light freckles that were on it. His cheeks started to go red when he noticed the thoughts intruding his brain, so he covered it up by placing his bike down.

“Come on, slow ass! Are we gonna go see the others or not?”

“Jesus, Eds! Slow your roll! I’m coming!”

\------------------------------

Ever since they all hung out at lunch and went to the Quarry, they haven’t stopped doing either. The six of them stay eating and laughing together at the back table during lunch. Sometimes, they’d facetime Mike during lunch for some extra fun. It was nice, having other people to be around during lunchtime besides Stan and Bill. It was fun to be able to have a big group of people to be close with, not a lot of people have a bond like that with a larger group of friends. 

Afterschool, mostly on Fridays, everyone would meet up at the Quarry to hang out. Richie loved playing games with more than four people. He loved everything about the hangouts they all had together. Everyone just fit in so nicely, even though some didn’t know others for a long amount of time, it felt like everyone was close in the same way.

He also hasn’t hung out alone with Eddie in a long while. He was slightly sad about it, but he was glad he didn’t have to face him alone. He knew he would say something or  do  something stupid, so he was glad he didn’t have to deal with that. As long as he didn’t ask Eddie about it, he didn’t have to worry about being around him alone. His parents asked about him, but he brushed it off and said it was because all of them were hanging out as a group. It wasn’t a lie, because he  _ wasn’t _ avoiding Eddie, he just didn’t hang out with him alone. 

Deep down, he knows that part of that isn’t entirely true. He didn’t  _ initially  _ plan on avoiding Eddie, it was just convenient that if he didn’t say anything, no alone time with him would be a topic of interest. He wasn’t avoiding him, anyways. He talked to him at the Quarry, splashing him or calling him a dumb nickname or making jokes about fucking his mom. It was normal, as normal as it’s always been, if you don’t count the noticeable butterflies he feels in his stomach when Eddie so much as looks at him.

He didn’t know how long he was going to be able to hide from Eddie. Maybe they won’t hang out alone ever again, and as much as that would be a good idea to keep his brain from spilling out his forbidden feelings for him, he doesn’t know if he’s able to handle the thought of that. He doesn’t want to  never  hang out alone with him ever again. He’s never felt more comfortable around anyone else in his fucking life, and, to be honest, he already missed that feeling of comfort he always felt when being alone with him. As much as he didn’t want to tell him about his feelings, he also didn’t want to not ever feel the feelings he’s felt around Eddie again.

He does feel the same fuzzy feeling in his stomach that he always does around Eddie, it’s just different, less prominent. He knows the feeling’s there when he’s at the Quarry, just like he knows the emotions he feels in his head are still there, they’re just not so… loud. 

It’s no different today when he’s at the Quarry, calling him nicknames and making shitty jokes. It’s the same, less loud feelings and emotions swarm through his entire body. Some parts of it he likes, the quieting down of the noises in his head, but some parts he misses. 

As he’s grabbing his bike from the floor, Eddie comes up to him.

“Hey, Rich?” he says in a small whisper.

“What’s up?” he replies in the same small, whispered voice that Eddie had.

“I was, uh, wondering if we could, uh...” Eddie fidgets with his hands nervously while speaking. “hang out? Like, just the two of us.”

Richie’s eyes widened. He’s wanted to feel the stuff he felt around Eddie, yes, but not so soon. 

Eddie spoke up again, “It’s- you don’t have to. I have the book, from the library? I was hoping that, uh, maybe we could talk about something related to that?”

He wasn’t planning on saying no, it’s not like he  _ could  _ say no to Eddie even if he wanted to, but the mention of the book made him not want to say no even more. He’d almost completely forgotten that he still had the book in his possession, and he didn’t want him to. He knows the library is probably not that concerned about it, since it’s been gone for months and nobody has tried to look for it, but he still didn’t want Eddie to be caught with it.

He nodded back at the smaller boy who was still fidgeting with his hands.

“Yeah, we can. How about… tomorrow? At mine?”

Eddie’s fidgeting stopped and he looked back at him.

“Yeah?”

Richie’s face softened into a smile. 

“Yeah.”

The two boys left, ghosts of smiles still present on their faces as they rode their bikes in opposite directions.

\------------------------------

It was Saturday, and Richie couldn’t stop reminiscing over the fact that Eddie motherfucking Kaspbrak was coming over to his house soon. He wasn’t ready at all for this to happen, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be. He didn’t know how to say no to Eddie, though, so here he was. 

He was scared of what he felt for Eddie. Not because it was the biggest indicating factor that he was in fact full on fucking  _ gay  _ or because it was the first crush he’s ever had on someone, but because he was scared of losing Eddie. He was scared of scaring him away, all because of some stupid fucking emotions he only wishes he could be in control of. He does want to be more than friends with Eddie, of course he fucking does. Why wouldn’t he want to? He knows it’s not going to fucking happen, and he’s not going to jeopardize the friendship he has with him just because he wants more than that. He’s held his feelings in for so long, he just hopes that he can do it for the small amount of time he’ll be alone with Eddie.

He paces his room for a while before hearing his phone ding. He picked it up, briefly scanning the notification before putting it back down and pacing some more. It was Eddie texting him that he was on his way over. That didn’t give him a lot of time to keep thinking about this hangout he was having.  _Alone with Eddie_.  He hasn’t been alone with Eddie since he figured out he has this stupid fucking crush on him and he hoped that it could possibly fade on its own before he had to face Eddie alone, but it hasn’t. 

But there wasn’t any time for Richie to keep fucking thinking about it. The best thing for him to do is just forget about it, push it deep down inside of him, so far away from his big, loud mouth. If he could just do that for a few hours, he’d be fine. It’s not like he hasn’t done it about a million times before, so this should be no fucking different. Just… fucking control the feelings. It’s not as hard as he makes it seem.

That’s when he hears a knock at the door and all of his thoughts disappear for a moment. He gets up and rushes to the door, opening it to see a smiling Eddie Kaspbrak fidgeting with his hands.

He picks his head up. “Oh. Hi, Rich.”

“Hi, Eds.” Richie raises his eyebrows. “You coming in, or what?”

“Oh, uh, Yeah.” he let out a breath and walked inside. 

Richie closed and locked the front door after Eddie entered. He was greeted by his parents when they walked past the kitchen on their way to his room. 

The two of them talked for a while after getting settled in Richie’s room. He’s noticed the fuzzy feeling in his stomach, mirroring the same feelings he felt all those times he was alone with Eddie. It was comforting and safe, making him feel like a piece of him was finally put back into place. He doesn’t know why it feels like that to him, because just moments before Eddie arrived at his front doorstep, he felt the exact opposite. Eddie made him feel so many things, when he’s not around, when he’s stuck in his head, when he’s right next to him on his small, twin sized mattress. 

“Oh!” Eddie said after a moment of silence dawned upon them.

He reached into his backpack and pulled out the all too familiar light blue book from the library. That book had way too many memories attached to it, and all were from the same Saturday. Most of those memories stayed stored in a dark part of his mind, still seen, but dark and dusty, never touched. Some part of him never wanted to see the book ever again, but he knew that he would have to at one point. That point was today. He wasn’t scared of the book, per say, just a little uncomfortable with certain memories it brought back. 

“I have this.” Eddie hands Richie the book, and he sets it in the same drawer he put it in last time he had it in his possession. 

The memories weren’t scary like they were before. They made him feel dumb, and naive. That first day he came home and said those three stupid words to his reflection in the mirror before punching it. Those three words were always true, and he’s only just realized this now, and it made him feel so oblivious, so dumb. He has no time to think about that now, especially since Eddie is here with him right now, so he pushed it deep down inside of himself, hoping it would stay there for just a little longer.

“I, uh.” Eddie said, causing Richie to turn his head to look at him. “I came out to my mom.”

His eyes widened at Eddie’s words. He heard all about his mother, the placebos, the manipulation. He was super proud of Eddie for having the courage to do that, he couldn’t even think of doing that and his parents are nothing like Eddie’s mom.

“Wow- I’m-” Richie spoke for the first time since he was given the stolen library book. “I’m super proud of you, Eds. How did she react?”

Eddie sighed, “I don’t know how to feel about her reaction, to be honest. A part of me was preparing for the worst of it, like, getting yelled at, kicked out.” 

Eddie paused and closed his eyes while taking an inhale of air, opening them when he exhaled. He didn’t look back at Richie, he looked stuck in thought. He hoped Eddie wasn’t in danger. He didn’t know his mom personally, he’s never even seen her before, but after everything he’s heard, he didn’t know what to expect from her. 

“She just… said no. She didn’t yell, or scream, or tell me to leave. She just fucking… said no.”

“That’s it?” Richie furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

Eddie shook his head, a small, bitter smile appears on his face, but disappears when he starts to speak.

“I told her that I couldn’t control it, that I couldn’t control who I love. I half expected her to start yelling in that moment, but she still didn’t. She just said I didn’t know. I kept telling her that I’ve known for a while, and it’s just who I am. She just told me to go to my room, told me she didn’t want to talk anymore. She hasn’t really been talking to me much recently, which is weird because she usually doesn’t shut the fuck up when she’s awake. It’s like… she’s giving me some sort of silent treatment? I don’t really know what to think of it. She’s usually vocal when it comes to anything and everything , so I don’t know what the fuck it even means. At least I didn’t get kicked out, though, right?” he smiles bitterly again, and it’s accompanied by a soft, bitter chuckle. “I knew she would react negatively to it, but this? It just makes me so confused and I just don’t even know how to fucking feel. She’s so fucking infuriating, I swear. I hate that I have to live in a house with her.”

Silence fell on the two boys lying on a twin sized mattress, one looking up at the ceiling while the other can’t his eyes off of him. The silence wasn’t awkward, their  silence was never awkward. It was like a moment of processing things, good or bad things, and the silence was never uncomfortable or awkward, it was anything but that. This was definitely the thing he missed most about the two of them hanging out alone together. 

“I’m sorry, Eds. This probably doesn’t mean much, but I’m always here for you. Whatever you need, I’m here for you. My parents are, too, they love you just as much as I do.”

This wasn’t the first time he’s told Eddie that he loves him. He loves all of his friends, and he makes a point to tell them so as much as he possibly can, it was no different with Eddie. However, this was the first time he’s told Eddie he loves him since finding out about his feelings without anyone else around. When the rest of the group was around, his feelings were more hidden than usual, which was probably because he didn’t want anyone around him to catch onto anything. Now that it was only him and Eddie, the fuzzy feeling that’s in his stomach is more prominent, and the feelings in his head are highlighted in the brightest yellow there is. 

Eddie smiled at what he said and turned his head to look back at him, “Thanks, Rich. My mom is just a pain, like, all the time. She’s the most manipulative person I’ve ever met before. She makes me question everything about myself. That’s why it took me so long to figure myself out. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I just gave in to her constant manipulation. It’d be easier to deal with her.”

Richie shook his head. “I’m glad you don’t, though. So many people like you for who you are, including me. Fuck what your mom thinks, because, honestly, her opinion doesn’t matter. She obviously can’t see the awesome person you are, Eds. You have your own morals, and dreams, and passions, and feelings, and that’s what makes you,  _you_.  I’m lucky to have  _ Eddie fucking Kaspbrak  _ in my life, not some carbon copy of Sonia Kaspbrak.”

Richie’s never been one to get super sappy with his friends. He’s never been good with emotions, but that’s nothing new. It’s nothing new that Eddie makes him feel different and makes him act different and makes him do things that are just so fucking  _ different _ . He wanted to tell Eddie what he felt about him, not the wanting to be more than friends part, but that he really is happy to have  _ Eddie fucking Kaspbrak  _ in his life. He’s never been more happy to have a person present in his life before. Everything was new with Eddie, but, again, that’s not something new.

“Really? You mean that?” Eddie said, with a small grin on his face.

“I do, yeah. I mean that.” 

Silence again, but this time there were stares, and smiles. It’s good that he shared part of his feelings to Eddie, it satisfied his needs to spill everything out to him, and now he’d be able to keep his mouth shut. It was a win-win for him, he gets to be alone with Eddie without having to spill his entire brain out to him. 

That’s when smiles and stares turned into something  _ more _ . It was almost like second nature to Richie when he leaned in. It happened way too fast for him to process, one minute he was smiling and the next he’s leaning in closer, and closer. The weirdest part is that  _ Eddie leans in too _ . 

That’s when their lips meet. He should be stopping it, but he can’t pull away, and even if he could, he definitely doesn’t fucking want to, because Eddie is kissing him back. His soft lips had a slight taste of strawberry chapstick, and Eddie himself smelled like strawberries and lemon hand sanitizer. 

Kissing Eddie was  _ euphoric _ , to say the least. It was like everything he’s ever wanted and more. It felt like he’s let out a breath he’s been holding in for so long, and he was no longer drowning. He was flying, higher than the clouds and all the stars in the sky. Flying so high and so far away from his loud mind screaming at him to stop, screaming all the words Bowers spit out at him. He’s never felt anything close to this before, but everything was different with Eddie, it always was. The smell of strawberry and the feel of his soft lips against his chapped ones was enough to drive him so fucking wild. He’s wanted this for longer than he’s realized, and it was more than fucking  _ euphoric _ .

The kiss didn’t last for long, they let go of it less than a minute after it started. Reality rushed back to the both of them when they let go. Richie’s head was screaming at him, louder than ever before. The things being screamed at him were too loud and too incoherent for him to find any meaning to them. What he did understand was the thing that happened just seconds earlier, was so fucking bizarre.

He leaned in, and so did Eddie. He kissed Eddie, and he fucking  _ kissed back _ . He knew Eddie was all sorts of different and confusing, but this was just something he couldn’t begin to wrap his mind around. 

He couldn’t believe that what happened was real. As much as he’s wanted it to be real for who the fuck knows how long, the idea that it actually  was  real was not something he was entirely ready for. He didn’t really know what to make of it. Eddie did kiss him back, but that doesn’t mean that it truly means anything on his part, not like what it means to Richie. 

They lie in silence for a second. It wasn’t like the silences they’ve had before, it wasn’t comforting or safe, but it still wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just… different. 

He wasn’t ready to face whatever Eddie had to say about what just happened earlier, and he wasn’t ready to talk about it. He knew if he had to talk about it, his loud mouth would spill out something he doesn’t want to say. He has to dodge it somehow, and he has to do it quick. He doesn’t know if Eddie even  _ wants  _ to talk about it, but he has to be prepared to avoid the topic in any circumstance.

“Do you know what you want to study in college?” Richie blurted out. 

He could tell the change of subject took Eddie aback for a second, but he answered despite it.

“I want to be a therapist, or a psychologist. I’ve always liked learning how different minds work in different ways. I think I really got interested in it when I started to look into how my own mom’s mind works. Her mind works in some weird way, and I still don’t really understand why. Why she did the placebo stuff or why she acts the way she acts. What about you?”

“I don’t know, and not knowing kind of eats at me all the time. It’s senior year and I should know, but I don’t. I just don’t want to be stuck in some dead end nine to five job for the rest of my life.”

The conversation continued on like nothing happened between them earlier on. It didn’t completely erase the fact that it happened, though, because it still was in the back of Richie’s mind. He didn’t know if Eddie was thinking about it like he was, and as much as a part of him was extremely curious, he was glad he didn’t know, he wasn’t sure how he would handle any answer to that. 

After Eddie left, all he could think about was the fucking  _ kiss _ . How did he let himself do that? He had been so good at hiding his feelings and his mind still made him show his feelings. He didn’t know how it even happened, his mind just took over. Knowing that Eddie might know of his true feelings towards him scared him shitless. He needs to try to control his feelings better, but that’s easier said than done. All he really has to do is avoid one on one hangouts or conversations with Eddie, which shouldn’t be  too  hard to do, he managed to do that for about two months. 

The kiss is still stuck at the front of his mind. He’s been scared of his feelings towards Eddie ever since he’s been aware of them, but this only heightened his fear. The euphoria he felt while kissing Eddie, it was like a big weight just came off of his shoulders. It was nothing like the feel of the Derry air coming to his lungs, making him feel like he was sinking to the bottom of the deep, dark and empty ocean. It made him feel the exact opposite way that Derry made him feel, and he doesn’t know if he’s  _ really  _ felt that before. He’s wanted to kiss Eddie for so long, and he finally got to, but he regrets it completely. The way kissing Eddie made him feel was better than anything he’s felt in his entire lifetime, but knowing he would never feel it again was going to tear him apart. He wishes he never did it, because, sure, he’ll never feel that euphoric feeling he felt, but it was better not knowing the feel of it at all than knowing he’ll never be able to feel it ever again. 

\------------------------------

The next Monday when all of them were at lunch together, Richie didn’t sit next to Eddie. It’s not like he sits next to Eddie all of the time, so it doesn’t make him look suspicious to anyone else. He wasn’t ignoring him, either, in fact, they talked just like normal. Well, that’s not exactly true. Richie had to make sure the kiss was not to be mentioned, so he’d never talk to Eddie alone, and he likes to think he does a good job at making it not look too obvious. Besides, the six of them usually were a part of one big conversation during lunch, so it was already hard to have one on one conversation with anyone else. 

The next time they all hung out afterschool was a week since their last one. While Richie was biking alongside the others, including Mike, he thinks about the Friday before. A week ago today he didn’t know about some stupid kiss, he didn’t know of that euphoric feeling, he didn’t know the way it felt to kiss Eddie. 

Eddie hasn’t tried to talk to him about the kiss, which seems like a good sign. If Eddie wanted to talk to him about it, he probably would’ve tried harder to get the two of them alone. It also meant that Eddie probably still has no idea about his crush on him, which is also really good. He was glad things between them didn’t have to be super awkward, because everything seems to be just like it was before. Maybe he could finally stop trying to distance himself from Eddie, besides, that’ll only make him look more suspicious.

When they finally arrived at the Quarry, everything was nice. Richie talked to Eddie without having to bring another person into the conversation, and it was nice. Everything was coming together nicely, no kiss, no hidden feelings, just seven friends laughing at their usual hangout. 

That is, until Bill spoke up. 

“Guys!” he said, standing up, causing everyone to stop what they were doing to pay attention to him.

“So, I have a little announcement for you all!” he said again, and this time Mike stood up as well.

Richie eyed Stan and furrowed his eyebrows. Stan shrugged and shook his head in response.

“Mike and I are dating!” 

Everyone gasped and clapped in response. Soon, everyone was getting up to congratulate the two of them and give them a hug. Richie, of course, got up to congratulate the two as well.

“Congrats, you two!” he heard Bev say, “My love instincts were right, as always! You two are perfect together!”

“Love instincts?” Mike said while shaking his head. 

“I know all, Mike.” Bev said, pretending to be serious, before giving him a tight hug.

When she left, Richie went up to them to do the same.

“Congrats, you two. I love you guys.” 

“Thanks, Rich.” Bill said while pulling the three of them into a hug. “We love you, too.”

And when the hug was over, Richie turned around and caught Eddie’s soft brown eyes. He smiled out of instinct, because Eddie usually made him smile, but he then saw the expression that was plastered all over his face.

His smile quickly faded. Nothing was wrong with Eddie’s expression, not anything that was noticeable to anyone else but Richie. The expression burned a hole into his chest, right where his true feelings for him lie, like it was seeing right through his stupid facade. It was just a dumb expression, a smile, rosy cheeks, bright brown eyes through long lashes, and a slight crinkle of his nose. It was just a normal fucking expression, but it fucking  _ wasn’t _ . It said so many untold things, it acts like it knows how to decipher all these stupid metaphors that have meaning deeper than the surface that even Richie himself can’t fucking figure out. The expression makes him feel small, exposed, and he doesn’t like it all, especially since the person it’s coming from is none other that Eddie Kaspbrak himself. 

After seeing that expression on Eddie’s face he knew he had to really  _ really  _ avoid him. He thought earlier today that everything was going to go back to normal but it just can’t. He can’t risk his friendship with Eddie and he can’t risk letting his feelings come out. He wasn’t ready for any of it, for coming out, for admitting his feelings  _ about  _ Eddie  _ to  _ Eddie. 

When he got back in touch with reality, the expression on Eddie’s face disappeared, and it was just  _ normal _ . Richie let out a soft exhale of breath, and turned around to join Bev and Stan’s conversation, not looking back towards Eddie.

The guilt set in once he was biking home alone. He didn’t  _ want  _ to avoid Eddie, because, God, he made him feel so many unexplainable emotions that made him feel happier than he’s ever been in his life. He just… can’t. He can’t be around him without wanting to spill out everything that he’s thinking, and it’s always been so fucking weird. He’s never wanted to just spill his guts out to someone just by fucking  _ looking  _ at them. It’s so fucking scary to feel that around someone, especially when that  _ someone  _ is his fucking crush. The way Eddie looked at him just moments ago at the Quarry was digging deep down inside of him, past his facade, past the meanings inside meanings, burning a hole in his chest that put all of his true feelings on display for everyone around to see. 

He arrived home and immediately went in his room to flop down on his bed. Everything about his feelings and his emotions have always been confusing, so being confused about them now should be no different, but it still was. It was different in all the same ways which was even more confusing to him and it just made him want to rip his hair out. He doesn’t want to keep reading meaning after meaning until he finds the  real  meaning of all that he’s feeling, he just wants to know what the fuck it is that he wants. It’s like a constant battle of meaning that still makes no sense trying to win him over, and even when one thought wins the battle he has no clue what the fuck it’s trying to tell him. 

He’s never liked the way his mind worked. He’s tried for years to figure out how to make sense of everything his mind throws at him, but it’s never worked. He just gave up after a while, letting his mind confuse him more and more each day, but after meeting Eddie, it was just hard to ignore. It’s repetitive to say that Eddie was confusing him in all sorts of ways, but that was nothing but true. Eddie was easy to read but also extremely hard to understand, which fucked with his head way too much. Eddie was even more confusing to him than the thoughts his mind puts together, and he didn’t think it was possible for anything to be more confusing than that. 

It was weird how drawn to Eddie he was despite the way he confuses his mind so much. He hated how confusing his own thoughts were and learned to hate them because of that, but when Eddie does the exact same thing to him it’s somehow different. The more he tries to let go, the more he wants. It’s weird, and it always has been. He never knew what he really wanted until he met Eddie, and maybe that’s why it was so confusing for him. He’s never been so sure that he wants something, but he’s so sure he wants Eddie in any way he can have him. 

Yeah, he wants Eddie as more than a friend. It’s kind of obvious at this point. He’s half convinced that the entire world knows that by now, but that’s definitely not true. He knows he can’t have more of him than he already has, and if he admits that he wants that it could leave their friendship in flames. He didn’t want to risk losing Eddie because he accidentally tells him he wants more than friendship with him. It’s better if he just tries to slightly distance him from Eddie, it’ll lower the chances of him running his big mouth too much. No matter how much he’ll miss the fuzziness or the other weird but slightly comforting feelings he gets, it’s better than losing Eddie completely.

\------------------------------

The next time he hung out with others at lunch, and the times after that, he didn’t sit next to Eddie. He didn’t talk to Eddie one-on-one when they all hung out at the Quarry like he has before, and he usually keeps a slight distance between the both of them. It’s not super noticeable to the others, but he sees the looks Eddie makes towards him when he tries to get a small, sneaky look at him. 

It was easier the first couple of times he kept his distance from the small boy. After he caught on, though, that’s when it got hard. He couldn't help himself from sneaking a small glance at him, and he’d usually get caught by Eddie and his sad look. The sad expression on his face was drastically different from the expression that was on his face the day that Bill and Mike announced that they were dating. This expression didn’t make him feel exposed like the other had, instead, it made him feel guilty. Guilty for distancing himself and not explaining why, guilty for leaving Eddie to stay confused about everything because he can never fucking explain his feelings and even if could, he’s too much of a coward to tell him about his feelings. It was never easy to distance himself from Eddie, and it never has been. He was just a planet stuck orbiting the big, bright sun that is Eddie, it was hard to distance from him when a force keeps trying to pull him back in. 

The same sad expression stayed on Eddie’s face every time he looked at him and, just like the other expression that drove him to start distancing himself, it burned a hole in his chest. It was different from the last hole that burned in his chest, because this one didn’t make him feel like his feelings were on display. This one made him hurt in so many different, unexplainable ways. He hated seeing Eddie sad, but what made it really hurt was that the reason of his sadness was because of himself. 

His parents asked about Eddie again. He, of course, lied about it. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever come out to his parents, which makes him feel like such a fucking coward. Eddie came out to his horrible mother, and he can’t even come out to his amazing and accepting parents? It’s kind of pathetic, how much of a fucking coward he is. He can’t come out to his parents, he can’t be around Eddie because of some stupid fucking feelings he has towards him. It’s self-destructing, because one day he’s either going to get caught in a web of fucking lies, or just lose everyone he loves because he can’t ever open up about his emotions. 

He knows the whole coming out thing has nothing to do with his parents or friends, it has a lot to do with his own stupid, messed up brain. He’s scared of coming out because when he does the whole gay thing isn’t  _ just  _ in his head. Coming out just seems so… permanent. There’s no take backs. It’s something so personal and something that’s definitely going to make him feel more exposed than ever before. When coming out, he has to be vulnerable, and he’s never really been good at being vulnerable with his own emotions. Opening up is the hardest part about it all, because he’s never been one to talk about things that bothered him. He’s always been closed off when it came to that kind of stuff, which was a bad thing, he does admit that to himself. He’s been so used to hiding his true emotions with shitty jokes and a dumb facade that he was sure Stan, Mike, and Bill have been able to see through for a long fucking while. He’s just not used to anything else, and he’s especially not good at showing his true emotions. He does need to fix all of that, but he’s not sure how, or where the fuck to start. 

He doesn’t know how long he plans to keep this up. He was usually good at running away from his own emotions, but what he feels about Eddie is too fast for him to run away from. He wonders how Mike and Bill did it. He wonders how they came out not just to themselves, but to everyone else they cared about. He wonders how they figured out their feelings for the other and didn’t get scared and just run away from them. He wonders how the fuck it was so easy for them, to come out, to have crushes, to not be scared, to not run away like a coward. He wonders why the fuck it’s so hard for himself to do the same things the two of his friends did. 

It’s been over a month since Richie started this bullshit. He’s surprised he’s kept it going for this long, but he doesn’t know if he can really keep it going for much longer. Avoiding Eddie has never been easy, the lying, the sad looks he gets from him. He knows all of it is his fault, he’s the one who decided to avoid Eddie in the first place. He could stop doing it at any time, just stop caring if he runs his mouth about his feelings for him, but that definitely wasn’t something that would happen. He’s always going to be paranoid that he’ll eventually open his loud mouth and all of those hidden feelings will come rushing out, which is why he was doing this whole avoid Eddie bullshit in the first place. 

He’s been sick and tired of this stupid routine of avoiding Eddie and then seeing the sad expression on his face that made him feel even more guilty for doing it, but he just didn’t know what else to do. He knows he should just give up the stupid act and stop being such a fucking coward for once in his life. He could come out to everyone and confess his feelings for Eddie and the world wouldn’t fucking end, he just thinks it will because he’s a fucking  _ coward _ . He could stop being a coward today, just march up to all of his friends and just say what he needs to say. He could get everything off of his chest and the world wouldn’t fucking end. It would be so much easier for him and everyone around him if he just did that. 

He will not be doing that today, because he’s still a coward. He walks to the Quarry, bike by his side, he decided not to ride it since his mind wasn’t fully in touch with reality. He kicks rocks that he sees on the floor and keeps the hand that is not holding onto his bike shoved deep inside a pocket of his blue jeans. 

In some other universe, he’d be marching right up to Eddie and confessing his feelings. Maybe in this other universe, he would’ve already done it. He wishes he could be like that Richie from that other universe, not scared of anything, and definitely not a coward. 

He doesn’t have a lot of time left with all of his friends. School ends in a few months, and then everyone will be off to college in some nice place achieving their dreams. He hasn’t got a clue where he’s going to go, he’ll probably just end up staying in Derry for collage, and for the rest of his life. Not having a lot of time with them means a lot of different things. It means, he doesn’t have a lot of time to be laugh and have fun with the people he cares so much about, but it also means he doesn’t have much time left to worry about spilling out his crush to Eddie.

He’s definitely not happy about the latter, though. He doesn’t want to keep avoiding Eddie until graduation. He’ll never see Eddie again when the next school year starts up, and he knows he’ll regret not spending every once of his time with him. It’s all confusing, because he should be happy that he soon won’t have to worry about accidentally confessing his feelings about Eddie to Eddie, but he’s the exact opposite of happy about it.

He quickly comes back into reality when he sees everyone already laughing and talking in the distance. He’s the last one there, since he sees six heads sitting near the edge of the Quarry. He speed walks over to where he usually sets down his bike and, of course, sets it down, then speed walks over to the rest of the group.

“Richie!” Bev says when she spots him sitting down. “Glad you finally came to join us!”

“Sorry I’m late.” Richie says in response. “Got a little held up with your mom. She couldn’t get enough of me.”

“Ew, Rich. Shut up.” Stan pipes up.

“What? Your mom loves me, Staniel. Though, she doesn’t love me as much as Eddie’s mom does.”

“Ew, Rich. Beep beep.” Eddie replies, with a disgusted look on his face.

After that dumb remark he made about Eddie’s mom, he noticed that same sad expression was still present on his face. He ignored it by turning his head towards Bev, talking about nothing important enough for him to really pay much attention to what he was saying. It worked for a while, distracting himself from Eddie’s expression in the corner of his eye. It worked, until Eddie’s expression slightly changed. 

The expression was still that sad expression he’s seen for a little over a month, but it looked… different. He doesn’t know what it is about the look that makes it look different than the other times, he just  _ knew  _ it was different. He’s not sure what to think of it, or even if he should be looking into it. It’s probably nothing, just something he made up in his head. He doesn’t have to worry about something as small as a shift in Eddie’s expression, because all it is, is  _ nothing _ .

“Guys!” Eddie said, loud enough for everyone to turn their heads towards him.

Eddie stood up and walked over to stand where everyone could see him.

Richie has no fucking idea what is happening. Bev and him exchange confused looks, so it seems like nobody else knows what’s happening either. 

“I, uh... I have something to tell you guys.” Eddie took a deep breath before continuing on.

“I’m gay.”

Richie’s eyes widened. That was not something he expected, but, then again, he didn’t know what he was expecting. 

“Eddie!” Bev said while getting up to hug him. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”

Then, everyone got up one by one to congratulate him, like they all did the day that Mike and Bill announced they were dating. Richie got up, too, because he is insanely proud of Eddie for doing something he himself could only ever dream of doing. He has no clue what he’s going to say to him, though, considering he’s been avoiding the boy for a little over a month for no apparent reason. 

Richie stayed stuck in his head until it was finally his turn to congratulate Eddie. He was the last one to do so, so everyone else was already chatting amongst themselves. 

Eddie looked up at him, catching his eyes before quickly looking down at his shoes. He didn’t look back up when Richie started walking closer.

“I, uh,” Richie started talking, not knowing what exactly to say. “I’m really proud of you, Eddie. You’re doing something I don’t think I’ll ever get the courage to do. You’re really, really brave, Eddie. I mean it.”

That made Eddie look up at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Richie was slightly afraid he would ask about the whole avoiding thing he’s been doing, but he didn’t.

Instead, he smiles. 

“You mean that?”

Richie nods. “Of course I do. Coming out, that shit is insanely brave.”

“Thanks, Rich.” he says, smile still present on his face. “You’re brave too, Rich. I know you have it in you.”

Richie shakes his head at Eddie’s remark. “Don’t think so, but you definitely are.”

“Shut up, Richie.” Eddie shoves him lightly.

“Such a shame, Eds. Your mom loves my big mouth.”

“Ew, Richie! Shut up!” 

Richie shoots him a wink and a finger gun before walking towards the group. 

That’s probably the closest he’ll get to talking to Eddie one-on-one for a long while. 

\------------------------------

When Richie arrives home, he can’t stop thinking about his conversation with Eddie. He wishes he could’ve said so much more to him. He came out, did such a brave thing, and he barely did anything to congratulate him. He said he was brave and then made another stupid fucking joke about his mom? That wasn’t  _ nearly  _ enough to do to congratulate him. 

He’s not sure why he feels this way about it, since most of the others did just as much as him. The only thing different was that the two of them didn’t hug, instead they exchanged smiles after a dumb joke he made about Eddie’s mom. In any other circumstance they would have hugged, for a long time. It was different now, considering that Richie’s been distancing from him for over a month. That’s probably contributing to why he feels so bad about not doing more to congratulate Eddie. He should just throw away the distancing shit for just one day, to let his guard down and be genuine with Eddie. Coming out is always a big thing, and he didn’t even get to be by his side when he came out, instead he just ran away because he was scared of some stupid feelings that aren’t in Eddie’s control at all. 

He got up out of his bed, a plan already in mind. He’s doing this on impulse, just like he did the day he went to the library. It could go one way or another, but he at least had to try it. 

He went outside and grabbed his bike, and rode to Eddie’s house. He didn’t know if this was a good or bad idea, since he’s been avoiding Eddie he might either be happy to see him or the exact opposite. Most of the things Richie did on impulse were dumb ideas that had a fifty-fifty chance of going completely terrible or being the best thing he’s done. He never knows which one will fuck things up forever, and this could potentially be the one that  does  fuck things up forever. 

He arrived at Eddie’s house and set his bike down in the grass before climbing up a tree. It was a game of chance, either the window near the tree was Eddie’s room or it was his mom’s room, one ending in an unknown way, and the other ending in complete flames. 

He took a chance, though, and lightly tapped on the window closest to the tree. There wasn’t an answer the first time he knocked, so he took another chance by knocking on the window again, this time a little louder than before.

That’s when he saw Eddie open the window. He let out a small exhale of air knowing that it wasn’t his mom’s window he was knocking on.

Eddie furrowed his eyebrows when he saw Richie in the tree.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he whisper shouted.

“Can we, uh, talk?” Richie slightly smiled at him with embarrassment.

Eddie rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Fine. But, please, get down from the tree, and be quiet about it. I’ll be out in a second.” 

And with that, Eddie closed the window and walked away.

After clumsily getting down from the tree, he picked up his bike from the grass and waited for Eddie. He wasn’t one hundred percent sure what was going to happen from this, because it could still go one way or the other, but he was at least happy that Eddie agreed to talk.

Eddie came out a moment later with his bike. 

“The Quarry?” he asks.

Richie nods. “Yeah.”

The two of them ride their bikes in silence. The sun is setting and the breeze goes through Richie’s hair and he rides his bike. He’s nervous, because he doesn’t know what is going to happen, or what he’s going to say. A part of him wants to just come clean about his feelings for Eddie, but he doesn’t know if he’ll let himself do that. He just hopes he can stop this stupid distancing himself from Eddie thing, because he misses hanging out with him. 

They arrive at the Quarry and walk over in silence. They sit on the edge just like they did when they used to hang out here together. Richie realizes how much he’s missed this, and he starts to feel the same fuzzy feeling in his stomach he’s felt before. 

“It’s been a while.” Eddie says while looking at the water down below.

“Yeah.” Richie replied. “I missed this.”

“So…” Eddie picks his head up and looks at Richie. “What did you wanna talk about?”

“I, uh,” Richie kept his gaze on the water below, but he could feel Eddie’s eyes on him. “I felt bad, for not saying more earlier. It’s just… coming out is such a big thing, and I feel like I didn’t say enough to show how proud of you I am."

Richie shifted his gaze towards Eddie. “I’m just… really proud of you, Eds. Coming out is something I can only dream about doing. I could only wish to be as brave as you.”

“Richie, I meant what I said when I said you were brave. You  _ are  _ brave, because you do have it in you. I’ve been scared, of my sexuality, of myself and my thoughts. I’m definitely not as brave as you make me out to be, because I’m just like you, scared and confused.”

“I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings. I’ve also never been good at understanding my feelings. My entire brain is so fucked up I don’t understand any of the bullshit it tries to tell me. I’ve never been good at being open, and I’ve learned that being closed off with the people you care most about is not a very good trait to have. I just don’t know how to fix it, because I’ve been like that my whole life. Making jokes to hide my feelings and my problems. They’re kind of shitty, but your mom likes them.”

Eddie shoves him gently with his shoulder. “Not the time, Dick.”

Richie wiggles his eyebrows at him. “Then when is the time?”

“Never, you dumbass. Nobody likes your shitty jokes about fucking moms.” Eddie says lightheartedly with a small grin plastered on his face.

“But your mom-”

Eddie interrupts. “Do  _ not  _ finish that sentence.”

A comfortable silence falls on the two of them. It reminds Richie of the times they used to hang out together, just the two of them, before they combined friend groups and before he found out about his crush on Eddie. 

“Hey, Richie?” Eddie says, breaking the silence.

Richie hums in response and turns his head to look at Eddie, who is looking everywhere but where Richie is.

“Why were you avoiding me?”

This time Eddie looks at him, but Richie looks away. He doesn’t know how to explain it without exposing the feelings he has for him, and as much as he just wants to let it off of his chest, he still doesn’t want to tell him. 

Richie stayed silent, because he didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. He can’t seem to form words to say, which is definitely unlike him. 

“You’re just… not going to say anything?” he can feel Eddie’s eyes still on him. "You can’t ignore me for a month with no explanation and then act like everything’s fine! I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong. I just want to know why you’ve been avoiding me for a fucking month, Richie.”

Before he could respond, Eddie spoke up again. 

“Was it because of the kiss?”

Silence again. He didn’t know how to answer because Eddie is completely right. It  _ is  _ because of the kiss. 

“I’m sorry for that, Richie. If I knew that it would fuck up our friendship, I wouldn’t have done it. I just… I saw you lean in, too, so I just thought there was a slight chance that you wanted what I wanted.”

He rambles on. “It’s just… you kissed back, and I thought it meant something. I thought that we were on the same page, but I sort of realized we weren’t when you started avoiding me the day Mike and Bill announced they were dating. I just feel so… stupid. I thought you were on the same page as I am, but you’re really on a completely different one. I’m sorry, Rich, I really am. I didn’t know it would jeopardize our friendship.”

Processing what Eddie just said was way too confusing for him, not because he didn’t understand, but because he  _ did  _ understand. 

Eddie Kaspbrak, the boy he’s had a crush on for more time than he likes to admit,  _ likes him back _ . It was confusing to comprehend, and he doesn’t really believe it to be true. It also makes him feel like a fucking idiot, because he’s been avoiding him all because he was scared of losing him over  _ unrequited _ feelings.

“Richie?” Eddie speaks again. “Can you please just say something?"

Richie turns his head to look at Eddie, who is still looking at him.

He shakes his head in confusion before finally saying something, “Tell me I’m wrong here, but are you saying you  _ like  _ me?”

Eddie looks down at the ground, embarrassed and lets out a sigh. “Yes, Richie. That’s what I’m saying.”

“Eddie I-” was all he could say before Eddie interrupts him.

“We can just forget about it. I don’t want this to get in the way of our friendship any more than it has. I just want us to be friends and we can forget about my feelings for you because I-”

“Eddie.”

Eddie looks up at him, mouth slightly agape and eyebrows furrowed.

“Eddie I… I like you... a lot, actually.”

It was Eddie’s turn to shake his head in confusion. “You...what?”

“I like you, Eddie. I’m just... not really that good at this whole feelings thing. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never had a crush on someone, and it was harder for me to come to terms with it given the fact that I’m still scared of being  gay  and I was also scared of losing you.”

Eddie tilted his head in response, waiting for him to go on.

“I’m scared... of everything. The things that run through my head, the fact that I’m just so fucking  _ different _ , it’s always been scary for me. Then, when I met you, I felt safe in a way that I’ve never felt before. I learned to be scared of that, too. The way that I... the way that I feel around you is so  _ different  _ and so comforting at the same time, which makes it even more fucking confusing than anything else I’ve ever felt before. I’ve... always been scared, of feelings, of being myself. I never knew how to deal with it, and I still don’t. The only thing I know how to do is run away, so, of course, that’s what I did.”

Richie kept rambling on, “I just... didn’t know what to do. My instinct is to just run away when things get too complicated and scary. I never wanted to avoid you, but it was the only option I thought I had. I’m just... I’m sorry for being so fucking weird and-”

“Richie.” 

Eddie placed his hands on Richie’s cheeks and looked at him with soft, brown eyes. His eyes were glowing brown under the sunset. It reminded him of the first time he met Eddie. The first time he saw the sun shine on him like a spotlight. His freckles that were splattered across his pale skin, and the rosy color that was on his cheeks made his freckles look more noticeable. 

Then they kissed, just like they did the day they were lying in Richie’s bed. It happened just as sudden as the one before had. The same soft, strawberry flavored lips crash into Richie’s slightly chapped ones, and its  _ euphoric _ . It’s the same euphoric feeling he felt back in his room, if not better. It’s the same euphoric feeling he longed to feel again. The same euphoric feeling he thought he would never feel again. 

It’s still different than it was back in his room. It’s different because this time he’s not scared of kissing Eddie and he’s not scared of losing Eddie. He won’t lose Eddie, because he feels the exact same way he does. It makes him feel like he’s living in a dream, a dream where everything is unbelievable, where everything is just as he wants it to be. He feels like a big weight has been taken off his shoulders. His mind isn’t racing, his mind isn’t screaming. He’s not scared of it anymore, he’s not scared of the complicated metaphors that run through it, because they don’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter what his mind throws at him, because all he knows right now, is that  _ Eddie Kaspbrak  _ is kissing him, and he’s kissing him because he  _ likes  _ him. 

Eddie’s soft, warm hands cup his pale cheeks as they kiss. He can smell his lemon hand sanitizer, and that makes him feel safe, the warm, lemon scented hands that cup his cheek make him feel safer than ever before. 

They let go of the kiss, but, unlike the last time, his head didn’t go back into reality. Instead, it stayed in the euphoric daze he was in. 

Their heads stay touching when the kiss ends, and the sun has completely set. Even though the spotlight made of sunlight wasn’t shining over Eddie anymore, the only thing he was able to see was Eddie. Eddie always has captivated him, even without the sunlight highlighting every single one of his features.

Eddie’s hands were still on his cheeks, and his thumbs softly glide over them before he speaks.

“You’re not gonna avoid me after this, are you?” he says in a slightly joking tone.

“No, Eds.” The two of them smile. “Never again.”

“No more weird stuff?”

“No more weird stuff.”

They stay in a comfortable silence after that, not moving from their spots, and not making a sound. Until Richie breaks the silence.

“Eds?"

“Yeah?”

“You kiss like your mom.”

Richie expects for Eddie to move and shove him like he usually does, but he doesn’t.

“Shut up, Richard. Way to ruin the moment.”

And they stay in that position for a little longer before leaving the Quarry, hand in hand, with their bikes riding alongside them. 

Richie arrived home with a big grin stuck on his face. He couldn’t really believe what just happened earlier was real. It felt way too much like a dream to truly be his reality, but it was. He doesn’t think he’ll ever believe it was real. 

He felt some strike of bravery run through his veins as he passed his parents who were sitting on the couch in the living room.

“Guys?” He says.

His parents’ eyes look away from the television screen to look up at him. 

“What’s up, Richie?” His mom answers. 

“I’m, uh,” He takes a small breath before continuing on. “I’m gay.”

It was scary, hearing those words being told to someone other than his reflection in the mirror. It reminded him of earlier that day, when Eddie said those exact words to their friends. He wonders if Eddie felt just as scared as he does right now.

He was at an all time high right now, after kissing Eddie, nothing could really damage the happy, fuzzy feeling that was in his stomach. As much as coming out to his parents always scared him, as much as those words felt so permanent and so scary, nothing could fuck up the happy, fuzzy feeling he has in his stomach. 

“Richie...” Was all his mom said before both of his parents got up from where they were previously sitting to engulf him into a hug.

“We’re so proud of you. Thank you for telling us, Son.” His dad says, voice muffled from the hug.

And everything was perfect. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget this day, no matter what happens. He’ll always remember the euphoric feeling he got when kissing Eddie at the Quarry as the sun set, the fuzzy feeling in his stomach, and the warm hug he was engulfed in by his parents after saying those three scary words. 

\------------------------------

Richie and Eddie have been hanging out ever since. After they hang out with the others at the Quarry, they bike over to Richie’s. Eddie’s mom has been distant with him ever since he came out to her, so that usually meant that he’d be able to stay over for a while. It was nice, having their one-on-one hangouts back. It was even better now that he didn’t have to worry about accidentally telling Eddie about the feelings he has for him. His parents also figured out the two of them were dating after walking in on them kissing, not that it wasn’t already obvious anyway.

They haven’t told their friends about them dating, and that’s kind of a fault on Richie’s part. As much as everything was perfect and amazing, it was definitely a little too unreal for him. He’s scared of fucking things up with Eddie, and especially since everyone will be going off to college after senior year ends, which isn’t all that far from now, he’s a tad bit on edge.

He still has no fucking idea what to do, or where to go. He hasn’t thought of one thing he wants to study, and all of his friends do. He’s going to be stuck in Derry for the rest of his life, studying for some dumb job that he’s gonna hate, and he’s going to be forever feeling like he’s underwater while watching people breeze through Derry like it’s nothing. 

He’s scared of losing Eddie, but not for the same reason he was before. He’s scared of watching Eddie leave this suffocating shithole without him. And maybe it’s dumb, thinking that he’ll be able to spend the rest of his life with Eddie by his side, loving him the way he’s always longed for, but it  is  what he wants. He wants to leave Derry with Eddie by his side. He wants to breeze through Derry like all the other people do with Eddie by his side, the only difference is that Derry won’t ever be an afterthought to him, or to Eddie, or to any one of his friends, because, for them, it’s more than that.

So now him and Eddie are lying on his bed in a comfortable silence. That happens with them a lot, they laugh, joke around, and then silence dawns upon them, which often happens because one of them is going to bring up a more serious topic. Maybe it’s the silence that makes one of them open up to the other, or maybe it’s something else.

“Richie?” Eddie breaks the silence.

Richie hums in response and turns on his side to get a better look at Eddie, who was already on his side.

“When are we telling the others about this? About us, I mean.” Eddie says in a small voice, as if he’s scared of saying the wrong thing. “I’m not trying to... pressure you or anything. It’s just...”

Eddie trails off, and Richie speaks before Eddie can finish what he was saying. 

“I do want to tell them. I would scream it to the entire world that you’re my boyfriend, Eds, if that’s what you want.” He pauses for a brief second. “It’s just... I’m scared.”

“Of what?” Eddie asks. 

“You can tell me anything, Rich. Like we said before, no more weird stuff.” Eddie puts his hand on Richie’s shoulder, and it makes him feel safe. “I care about you, Rich. A lot.”

Eddie’s always made Richie  _ want  _ to vulnerable, and after they started dating it only heightened his want to open up to Eddie. He’s started to learn how to be more vulnerable, mostly around Eddie, because he doesn’t need to fight off the urge to open up to him. 

“I just... don’t know what I want to do in life. Like, I still don’t fucking know what I want to study in college and I’ve tried to figure it out for years but nothing comes to mind. I’m just gonna be stuck in Derry with some dumb, dead end job and everyone else will be off living out their dreams in some nice place that  _ isn’t  _ Derry. You’ll be off in some nice place being a super successful therapist or psychologist and you’ll probably find some hot guy who looks like Tony Stark and doesn’t make shitty jokes about your mom to date. And I’ll be stuck in Derry, probably living with my parents and hating my job and my life.”

“Woah, Rich. Slow down.” Eddie has a big grin on his face and his hand that is still on Richie’s shoulder moves in a soothing way that calms Richie down a little. “Okay, first of all, Tony Stark?”

“After Mike came out, we went to see Iron-Man. Him and Bill would not shut the fuck up about how hot Tony Stark was, and that’s when I realized that they weren’t exactly  _ wrong _ .”

“Your gay awakening was... Tony Stark?” Eddie raised his eyebrows and the grin on his face only got bigger.

“Okay, shut up.” Eddie bursts into laughter at that. “It’s not that funny!”

“Okay, Okay.” Eddie says through giggles. “I’m sorry, but it’s just funny!”

Eddie rubs Richie’s shoulder soothingly again before speaking.

“So, what’s your definition of a ‘dead end job’?”

“Just like, a boring office job with nothing but the sound of phone ringing or like... computers clicking or something  _ boring  _ like that.”

“Okay, and what do you like to do? What are things that you love?” Eddie slightly wiggled his eyebrows after saying that, which makes Richie grin like an idiot.

“Well, my only talents are having impeccable music taste, making shitting jokes, talking way too much and being loud and annoying.” 

Eddie nods a makes a sound, stuck in thought for a moment. His hand still hasn’t let go of Richie’s shoulder and he definitely doesn’t want Eddie to let go. 

Eddie picks his head up and smiles at Richie. “I have a perfect idea.”

“Okay, Eddie-o! Whatcha got?”

“A radio announcer. Just think about it! Radio announcers always talk and make shitty jokes, and they’re pretty much in control of the music!”

Richie nods in agreement, it’s not a bad idea. “I like the way you think, Spaghetti! There’s still another problem to solve, though, and that is what college I should apply to.”

Richie hopes that Eddie wants to go to college with him. He wouldn’t blame Eddie if he wanted them to part ways for college, but that isn’t an idea Richie is really all that fond of.

“I applied for colleges in California.” Eddie says. “My mom doesn’t know about it, not that we’re really talking anymore. Bill and Mike told me they were planning on going to California together, so I decided to apply for college there as well. I applied for UCLA and Stanford. I know you have, like, really good grades, so I’m sure you’d get in pretty easily.”

Richie doesn’t answer, instead he looks down at his bedsheets, unsure of what to say. He doesn’t want to pressure Eddie into wanting to go to college with him if that isn’t what he wants to do. 

“Richie.” Eddie’s hand moves from Richie’s shoulder to his hand. “I  _ want  _ us to go to college together. I know it’s naive and shit, but I do. I want to be with you, and I want to believe that we can do it for a lifetime. Rich, I  love  you. I  love  you and I _want_ to be with you.”

“You- Yeah?” Richie said, even more unsure of what to say.

“Yeah to what?” Eddie smiled and raised his eyebrows.

“I love you too, Edward Scissorhands. You really want to be stuck with me forever?” Richie says, teasingly with a cheesy grin plastered on his face.

“Sadly.” 

“I know you don’t mean that, Eds! You love me!”

“Yeah, again, sadly.” 

The two boys burst into laughter. Richie’s stomach feels more fuzzy than ever, and life turns more and more into a beautiful and unbelievable dream. 

\------------------------------

The next time Richie and Eddie hang out with the others at the Quarry is when they planned on announcing their relationship. Today was the day, and it’s definitely feeling like a weight is being slowly lifted off of the two boys’ shoulders as they bike to the Quarry with the others.

When they all settled down at the Quarry, Richie and Eddie exchange looks. They really didn’t know how to introduce it, especially since this would not only be Richie and Eddie coming out as a couple, but also Richie coming out as gay. Everyone else was stuck in a conversation the two of them weren’t paying attention to. It makes them wonder how the hell Mike and Bill did it so easily. 

Richie and Eddie didn’t want to keep the relationship to themselves, and they didn’t want to not tell everyone else about it. Besides, they were knocking out two birds with one stone, and everyone would be super supportive. It was now or never. 

“Guys!” Richie and Eddie said in unison, which was not planned. The two boys looked at each other while the rest of the group stopped what they were doing previously to look at Richie and Eddie.

Eddie stood up to get in front of the group like Bill did before, and Richie quickly got up to follow him. 

“So, uh,” Eddie says, going slightly red in the cheeks. He grabs Richie’s hand to feel more comfortable before speaking again. “Richie and I are dating.”

“Fucking finally!” Bev says while everyone cheers for them and she bumps fists with Stan.

“Finally?” Richie raises his eyebrows.

“Maybe it’s because Stan and I overanalyze everything, but we got those vibes from the two of you!”

“Does this mean I  _ don’t  _ have to come out?” Richie looks at Eddie and smirks.

“It was a little obvious, Richie.” Bill speaks up. 

Richie turns his head to look at Mike, who shrugged.

“Yeah, a little.” Mike says apologetically.

Richie fakes offense to that, putting the hand that was not holding Eddie’s over his heart.

“Trashing the Trashmouth, I see how it is.” He says dramatically, and Eddie rolls his eyes at that.

Ben raises his hand up. “Am I the only one who didn’t know this?”

“Probably.” Stan replies. 

Bev stands up and wraps her arms around both Richie and Eddie, engulfing them in a hug. 

“I’m happy for you two, though. You deserve each other a fuckton, you dorks.”

One by one, everyone else came to join in on the group hug, saying a soft and sweet remark to Richie and Eddie while doing so. 

All the puzzle pieces fall into place at this exact moment. No more worrying about figuring out every little metaphor with meanings inside meanings in his own brain, because Richie didn’t need to. He didn’t need to keep hiding away his own thoughts, he didn’t need to cover up his feelings from the people he cared most about in this world, and he didn’t have to go though anything alone. He didn’t have to figure out anything on his own, because the people he loved the most are here with him right in this very moment, and will be with him in every other moment. They care about him just as much as he cares about them. As much as Derry was a fucked up shit hole with even shittier people, Richie found his people here. He found the people that made him want to open up, that made him feel like he was flying when Derry made him feel like he was sinking. All he felt was love in this moment, being hugged by his friends, and by his  _ boyfriend.  _ Everything was more than perfect, and everything was just like something out of a dream. And he didn’t have to be scared anymore, because he had his friends by his side, always and forever. 

\------------------------------

Richie put the last of his stuff in the trunk of his car that he got for his birthday back in June, which was only a month ago, but it felt like a lifetime ago. 

He was getting ready to head off to California with Bill, Mike, and Eddie. All four of them chose to go to UCLA together after the four of them all got accepted. It was bittersweet, leaving Derry, because Derry would never be  _ just  _ a place to him or to any of his friends, no matter how much he wanted it to be.

He never thought in a million years that he would be leaving Derry, especially not with his boyfriend, Eddie, right by his side. It was unreal, but it always has been. He wouldn’t want it any other way, because he’s finally living his dream life. 

His parents walk outside to say their goodbyes to Richie. It’s filled with a lot of tears, hugs, and sweet whispered words of encouragement, and it makes parting more bittersweet. He’s never left Derry, and he’s never left his parents. It’s all sorts of new, and it’s all sorts of different, but he isn’t scared. He isn’t scared because he’s going to have Eddie by his side through it all. That’s all he could ever ask for. 

Mike and Bill arrive shortly after he hugs his parents goodbye. They were riding separately from Eddie and Richie because all four of them and their luggage could definitely not fit in Richie’s small car.

“Eddie’s not here yet?” Bill asks. “I thought for sure he’d be here!”

Richie shook his head. “Afraid not, Billiam! He’s battling his mom just about now. Hopefully he’ll make it out alive.”

“I hope he’s alright. Sonia sounds like a handful.” Mike says.

Bill puts a hand on Mike’s shoulder. “It’s okay Mikey, you can call her a controlling bitch.”

Richie walked over to his car and leaned on it. He’s a little worried for Eddie because, honestly, he doesn’t know what his mom is capable of. Richie knows Eddie is brave, though, and he’ll be able to get out of her grasp.

Bill and Mike walked over to Richie and placed their hands on his shoulders to comfort him.

“He’ll be okay, Rich.” Mike says. “He’s extremely brave. His mom is just another obstacle in his path that he'll overcome.”

Richie nods. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks Mike.”

Just as Richie finished his sentence, he saw the familiar small, brown haired boy walking towards them in the corner of his eye.

“Eds!” Richie says as he sees Eddie walk over. “You escape Missus K’s grasp?”

Eddie nodded, a slight smile appearing on his face. “Yeah. It took a while, but it’s over now.”

Richie engulfs Eddie in a hug, and Eddie relaxes into it. It’s soothing for the both of them, for some reasons that are different, but most were the same. Richie knew that he wouldn’t have to worry about this being the last hug he’ll ever get from Eddie because, hopefully, he’ll be by his side for a long while.

“Eddie!” Richie’s mom says when she spots him, causing Richie and Eddie’s, already long hug, to be cut short. 

Eddie talks to Richie’s parents for a second while Richie puts his luggage in the car. It’s weird, knowing that soon he’s going to be leaving the only place he’s ever lived in behind, but it’s all he’s ever wanted. Bev, Ben, and Stan already left Derry for New York, just about two weeks ago. It was bittersweet that day, too. More bittersweet than today, if Richie was being honest. He wouldn’t miss Derry, and he’s not sure he’ll have any desire to come back once he’s left. Derry has always been suffocating and weird and just… off. Maybe he’ll miss the memories, like the day he met Stan on the playground in Kindergarten and met Bill and Mike shortly after that, or the day that he and his friends first jumped into the glistening water at the Quarry, or the day he met Eddie at the library and opened up to him at the Quarry, or where they confessed their feelings at the same place just about six months later. Derry was a horrible, shitty place filled with so many beautiful memories, and it was hard to part ways with a place that held so many sacred moments that he’ll forever cherish, but at the same time, he couldn’t wait to leave it. 

“You ready?” Richie asks Eddie once he’s finished talking to his parents.

Eddie shrugs, but he still has a smile on his face. “As ready as I can be."

Then, they were off. They drove around Derry for a little bit, just reminiscing about the old memories they have in the small town. Eddie was on the phone with Bill and Mike, who were driving in the car behind them. It was nice to talk about old memories from the slightly fucked up small town they’ve grown up in. Driving past the Quarry was the most bittersweet of them all, since it was the place with the most beautiful memories. It wasn’t just bittersweet to Richie, and he liked that he wasn’t the only one who felt a little sad about leaving the place filled with memories from his entire childhood. 

He knew he wouldn’t miss Derry. It wasn’t a place for him or anyone he knew, because he and his friends were the only pop of color in this town that has none. It was never a place for Richie, and it never will be. Derry is never going to be a place he considers home, but he can say that Derry is the place where he met the people that make him feel at home in the places that don’t make him feel like he is. 

Driving around Derry and reminiscing is nice. It’s like a final goodbye, because he wasn’t sure if he’d ever come back. It might not ever be just a place to him, but it will never be a place that he loves, no matter how many beautiful memories it holds. Leaving Derry is like a milestone for Richie. It’s a way to say that he made it, that he’s going to be okay, and he’s going to achieve things. It’s a way to say that he can move on, and that he’s growing out of that scared, closed-off boy that he has been. It’s a beautiful way to think of it, because it gives Richie some hope that he’ll be okay in the long run. 

Richie looks at the boy sitting in the passengers seat of his car. It’s never not going to be unreal that the boy sitting next to him loves Richie just as much as he loves him. He’s going to spend his entire life with this boy, no matter what it takes, because this boy feels more like home to him than anything or  anyone  that he’s ever known. It makes him feel safe to know that he won’t do any of it alone, because Eddie is right here beside him, and he has no plans on going anywhere anytime soon. It calms Richie down, and it makes him feel like he’s on top of the world. 

When they reach the end of town, they spot the sign that says  _ “You are now leaving Derry, Maine” _ . It’s dull and boring, just like Derry. 

“The exit sign is a little dull, don’t you think?” Eddie asks, still on call with Bill and Mike, who are on speaker. “Derry itself is dull. Leaving is the best part. It should be more colorful.”

Richie chuckles. “You’re right on that one, Eds. Someone should fix that.”

“Mike and I will come back.” Bill says, and Richie can hear the grin on his face. “I’ll bring my paints and we’ll decorate it with all sorts of shit. When some other group of friends decide to finally leave Derry, they’ll get a colorful surprise from The Losers Club!”

“The Losers Club?” Mike asks.

“I just made it up! I think it's good. I take no constructive criticism.”

Richie shrugs, not taking his eyes off of the road ahead. “I like it. It’s got a cool ring to it.”

“Then it’s decided!” Bill says excitedly, which makes Mike laugh.

“I didn’t agree to it.” Eddie says while smiling.

“I said it’s decided!” Bill replies. “Hey, Mikey! We should call the others and tell them about the new group name!”

Mike chuckles again. “Are you cool with that, guys?”

“Yeah, put them on.” Eddie says as Richie nods in agreement.

That was it, and it was all Richie could ask for. He has an amazing group of friends, now conveniently named The Losers Club, and it’s all he could ever want and more. He has a perfect boyfriend sitting in the passengers seat of his small car, and it’s all he could ever ask for.

He didn’t need anyone else but The Losers Club, because they were the people that knew him more than anyone else in the entire fucking world. They were the only people who made him feel at home, the only people who made him the happiest. Whatever life throws at him, or at them, he knew that they’d get through it all together, no matter the distance, and no matter the situation. Richie has everything he’s ever wanted right here with him, whether they be in New York, in the car behind him, or right next to him. He has Eddie right here with him, and that was always going to be enough.

As long as Richie has Eddie, it will always be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic took longer than i expected. i didn't think i would get past 10k words when i first made this, but it instead turned into a 30k word fic amd im so?? woah?? this fic has been through writers block and abandonment and then me getting way too much into it and im definitely happier with the results than i thought id be! this fic was definitely a bit of a rollercoaster to write (and proofread, because for once i actually did that!) and im just excited to share it with world and im definitely excited to finally be done writing it!!
> 
> anyways, i hope you all liked reading it!! <3
> 
> edit: hello again!! if u want to find me elsewhere, here’s my [twitter!](https://mobile.twitter.com/enbyinred)
> 
> edit: the spacing was super weird before but i’ve fixed it now!! it took forever but now i’m finally done omg


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